Englewood Cliffs, NJ

It's like for the past two months, I've been a balloon getting blown up. These past few days back in New Jersey have been like all the air escaping out of the balloon, flying around the room and landing precariously on the edge of a lamp shade. Now it's time to re-attach, re-connect, re-engage, and go deeper. Deeper in life if not the practice, but yes, need to get back to the practice. The practice is life. Life is breathing, walking, being - not what all these people on the outside are doing. Whoops, I guess that means what you all are doing. But it's all the same, I could be doing that. There's an attraction to going back to secular life and using the practice to live it more deeply. That's what all those visitors to the monastery were doing, I suppose.

And I suppose much of the purpose of spending these few months away from the monastery is to make sure I can do that to some extent. Not being attached to the monastery, the practice there, or running away from something to be there. There shouldn't be a separation between the basic practice there and the basic practice out here. If I can't maintain the practice out here, that means I'm attached to the practice there or I'm running away from something. If I can't go deeper out here, then I would doubt my ability to really go deeper as a monastic.

The reason for entering the monastery is to remove myself from distractions and stimulus that lead to a direct engagement of desire and worldly concerns, and by doing so being able to go deeper into the monastic practice - sitting, breathing, being.

Going deeper in secular life means using the practice techniques to engage life in the present moment. If I'm working, really working. If I'm drinking coffee, really drinking coffee. Being aware of all those moments by concentrating on breathing which is the reminder of the moment since we're breathing at every moment of our lives. It's harder on the outside because you're constantly bombarded by stimulus, your desire is preyed upon by corporate advertising, and worldly pressures are constantly at your heels to one degree or another.

It wasn't clear to me what I was doing until I left the monastery, but there is a purpose in these next few months before I ostensibly return to Deer Park. The purpose is to go deeper. Perhaps the purpose of the purpose is to remove any remaining doubts about heading down the monastic path.