Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Bracing myself in the calm before the storm. New Years Retreat is this weekend and people start arriving today. I'm pretty much recovered from the Christmas weekend retreat, but a lot more people are expected for the New Year. There are about 10-15 people here for several weeks because it's that time of year when people have time off from work.

We just had two days of torrential rain, and the sun finally came out, but a lot of clean up needs to be done. I'm in the office because I'm helping with hospitality, and I'll be "working" all day, so I think it's fine that I'm bowing out of work meditation. It's a hard life.

I'm usually good at socializing with guests who stay for longer periods of time, but there were several who arrived last week who I totally blocked out and acted as persona non sequitur around them. After Christmas Eve, I totally shut down socially, even to the monastics. Last week was just emotionally charged. The tone of the monastery shifted a little with the end of the 3-month monastics retreat, then my mentor left on Wednesday, then I told my parents that I was thinking of becoming a monk, then that Christmas Eve thing happened.

I pretty much have my grounding back now. I'm still dealing with the impasse I reached regarding the practice here and the idea of joining this community, and I'm writing another letter to the community that is more comprehensive in telling them where I'm coming from and what's on my mind and my aspirations towards becoming a monk here.

I'm thinking I will leave here when the monastics leave for Vietnam on January 9. I'm actually thinking of taking my parents up on their offer to send me to Taiwan. As long as I'm still hovering around the 99% certainty mark of becoming a monk here, I might as well grasp any other opportunity that is thrown at me or comes my way. So the tentative plan is to head back to New Jersey on my parents' frequent flyer miles, then figure out when to go to Taiwan, maybe from early February to late March, then return to New Jersey for a few more weeks and then return here in early April, 100% certain and on the aspirant path.

Things continuing happening and going with the flow, free in the stream.

Merry Christmas. We had our Christmas "be-in" last night. I think I've had enough of these social be-ins. As you might recall, I walked out of the Thanksgiving one because it was too social for me to maintain my practice.

I had actually planned to offer a song to the community last night, "Solsbury Hill", but it was not to be. Regarding my monastic path, everyone has been entreating me to express myself from the heart, and that was going to be it. Earlier this week, I submitted my second letter to the community expressing where I was in my monastic considerations, and I included the lyrics of Solsbury Hill, but without the background information about that song, I think the description in the song of someone making a life-changing decision was probably lost. And I doubt anyone here would know that song was written about Peter Gabriel's decision to leave Genesis to pursue a solo career and pay more attention to his family. So I was planning to introduce the song describing the path of my decision using key words and images from the lyrics to make the connection (not necessarily literal, direct connections, but more of an imprint or just a sense of the connection), and then go into the song without referring to the second letter, which in retrospect wasn't very good.

What had happened between submitting the second letter and last night's be-in was that I told my parents that I was considering becoming a monk, and they responded with dispassionate support. Basically they had no problem with it, and not that they have any say in my decisions, but it felt like a door opening to move forward.

In the end, through a series of possibly cosmically cruel, satiric debacles, whereby I almost made it to the stage twice to offer the song, I didn't. There were a few voices in my support to do the song, but in the end the MC's and other voices got their way to move on. I won't be putting myself through anything like that again, considering my considerable performance anxiety and the amount of energy and strain it takes to seriously consider performing solo in front of a crowd.

It was anti-climatic. No big pronouncement was made or suggested akin to what I was feeling, and the community is none the wiser as days count down to their leaving for Vietnam, and they are only left with my lackluster second letter which I'm sure they noted does not directly request aspirancy. My money will run out while they're in Vietnam and I'll have to leave anyway, so I'm considering my options otherwise. I'd only be able to come back after requesting and being accepted as an aspirant after they come back from Vietnam.

I won't go back to New Jersey to visit the 'rents. I offered to, but they said it wasn't necessary and instead they've been pushing for me to go travel in Taiwan. That, btw, is totally random and not worth commenting on, except that if I'm stuck running out of money and not feeling enthusiastically welcome in New Jersey, and they and my uncle in Taiwan are willing to foot the bill and put me up, I don't see why I wouldn't go. My guess is that they're hoping I'll run into a nice Taiwanese girl to fall in love with and settle down. It would be chuckle-worthy if it wasn't so idiotic.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

No posts this past busy week. Rainy Season Retreat ended for the monastics on Sunday, and we took three Lazy Days in a row (the nuns only took two, but you know how those lazy, shiftless monks are).

On Monday, we took a fieldtrip to Los Angeles to see the Body Worlds exhibit. I had heard of this exhibit when my brother lent me the book Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, but I never thought I'd have a chance to actually see it. In brief, for those too lazy to peruse the website, the exhibit is of actual human bodies that were preserved using a plasticization process. The exhibit is extensive with over 200 specimens, showing all of the human body's systems and organs, all plasticized from actual organic material. Deep. Heavy.

Anyway, for Christmas, I leave you the Deer Park version of the Twelve Days of Christmas (Everybody sing!!):

- On the first day of Christmas, the Sangha said to me, "The One contains the All"
- On the second day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the third day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the fourth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the fifth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS! Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the sixth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the seventh day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the eighth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the ninth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the tenth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: eleven nuns a-cooking, Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the twelfth day of Christmas the Sangha offered me: Twelve Linked Chain of Interdependent Co-Origination, eleven nuns a-cooking, Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the ONE CONTAINS THE ALL

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Incredible. That little situation that was the source of such negativity might be over. All it took was patient mindfulness and some willingness for a solution to manifest. Just a few days ago I was feeling any monastic aspiration might be over if I couldn’t deal with something so petty. Then last night, sleeping in the tea room to avoid another sleepless night, this time due to someone else’s snoring, I realized what I needed to do and how to do it.

And I hate to say this, but a lot of it had to do with timely words by Thich Nhat Hanh. I’m not into hero worship, or teacher worship, as it may be, which is fairly prevalent in Asian cultures. People who quote Thich Nhat Hanh around here drive me crazy because it stinks of cult-like behavior. If you’re talking to me or sharing during Dharma discussions, don’t quote Thich Nhat Hanh to me. I want to know what your thoughts are, you talk to me and not through Thich Nhat Hanh quotes. If you’re drawing on something inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh, then tell me what it meant to you, and how you interpreted it to gain meaning for yourself.

So back to the situation, I had formulated solutions prior, but they might not have come across as compassionate, and in the terminology of practice, those might not have been the most skillful means for solving the problem. I won’t go into detail, being mindful of who might end up reading this, but this morning I got a moment with a person relevant to this issue, and expressed my “suffering”, as described by Thich Nhat Hanh, and proposed a solution in the form of a request (I didn’t mention that I already had the wheels of that solution turning).

It went well, and although the substance of any issues weren’t addressed, it seems any immediate tensions might have been dissipated. Oddly, I hear my pride grumbling in the corner. In secular life, if I had tensions with someone, I’d most likely not see any need to address the negativity and let it fester. And here I am doing something indicative of an internal transformation. Compassion, reaching out, skillful means. I didn’t think I had it in me, and my pride would rather I didn’t have it in me, thus the grumbling. Oh, my pride is calling me names now, it just called me a pansy-ass wimp-face. I have to go sic my maturity on my pride.

This is not to suggest this is the end of the story.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

I’m doing a little better with the negativity. A bunch of little lessons popped up throughout the day indirectly addressing it, trying to teach me. I wrestle with it, occasionally get it under control. I realize it has nothing to do with last week’s negativity, burning out and feeling exhausted. No, this week’s negativity has a direct cause. In fact, it has two legs. And unfortunately a mouth. But that’s all I’ll say. I know it’s petty and impermanent, which makes it even harder having it as an issue. Have I sunk so low? Have I never risen as high as I thought I had? I jest.

I went for another run today, but I should cut back since I’m not as young or as strong as I once was. I found a flat meadow with a 3.5 mile loop which I did in 25’50”, averaging 7’20” miles. I’m satisfied with that, and can now go back to taking it easy doing hard, hilly courses.

I want to try working three daily questions into this blog, but I don’t know if it’ll fly. My mentor offered them during a Dharma talk he was giving (he was also the inspiration for the Happinesses of the Day), and I think he got them from a Pali text (Theravadin):

1. What have I received (from others) today?
2. What have I offered (to others) today?
3. What difficulties have I caused others today?

I have to think about them more to see if I can even come up with answers. As for #3, I know I have caused difficulties to others, but I couldn’t mention them so as to protect the innocent. Or guilty, rather.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Still grappling with the negativity and prettying it up for the blog. Wondering what this negativity means for what I’m supposedly aspiring. Today I thought I could let it go. By letting it go, that means embracing it (in accordance to Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching, hm). Rather, tucking it in like a football running back and charging ahead blindly through all opposition.

It would have been nice if my monastic aspiration could go forward smoothly and lovely and happily, but that’s just not my karma. Everything has to be hard. Always something needs to irritate me, annoy me, fluster me, knock me off my tracks. Fly in the ointment. Story of my life. So let it go. If that’s the way it’s going to be, that’s part of my path, my training to deal with it. Rock tied to my back like the young monk in Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter…and Spring. It still pisses me off.

But damn, that’s no way to proceed on this path. It’s enough to knock me off the path, make me doubt my ability and aptitude. If I can’t handle something as petty as this, I’m in big trouble. But I can’t be thinking thoughts like that. Intellectually, I know. I told myself to throw out all extreme feelings. Any strong feelings that I want to become a monk, throw it out, and any strong feelings that I don’t want to become a monk, also throw it out. Find the truth somewhere in between, and either I’ll become a monk or not, but be guided by that truth somewhere in between, not any extreme, manic-like, fleeting feelings.

I slept outside last night, under the stars, watching for Geminid meteorites. Someone built a deck on one of the hillsides and it was a summer-like night. I can’t even remember the last time I slept out under the stars. I counted well over 70 meteorites throughout the night. Every time I woke up I counted a few more. It was neat noticing how the meteorites all fell away from the constellation Gemini (hence, they are called Geminids). As Gemini was rising in the east, they shot from east to west, but as Gemini rose high in the sky, they fell towards the horizon. Sleeping on the hard flat wooden deck wasn’t the most comfortable for my spine, but it was still lovely being out there.



5:00 – woke up, counted 7 more meteorites, rolled up sleeping bag.
5:30 – descended from deck, put away sleeping bag, walked towards Meditation Barn, counted 3 more meteorites
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:30 – helped a guest with medical problems change rooms
8:00 – breakfast
8:50 – coffee in the tea room
9:30 – Dharma Talk DVD for laypeople in Clarity Hamlet.
11:30 – helped in kitchen
12:30 – lunch
2:00 – laypeople Dharma sharing
3:40 – hike with Leslie and Ruth to watch sunset
6:00 – dinner
evening: free

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Lazy Day:
I went on a long, six hour hike. The monastery is right next to a 3,300 acre nature preserve with extensive hiking trails. I felt I needed to go off on my own, but what did I think I was running away from? Myself? Well, that failed miserably.

For six weeks here, the monastery environment has brought out the best in me, but now that’s starting to wear thin and negativity is starting to rise to the surface of my mind. Negativity is a slippery slope. One wrong step and down I go. I’m trying to pinpoint the source, but there are probably multiple sources. I’m trying to pinpoint the triggers, but they all seem so petty. So I’m trying to deal with them as they are here, as they present themselves, but the risk is in getting mired in negativity and drowning.

The negativity is a long-festering thing. Like there are channels in my body through which water flows. That’s good. The water is good (that won’t come out of me). Sometimes the water is clear, sometimes the water is muddy, but at least it’s water. However, the channels themselves were carved out by years and years of fierce howling winds of negativity. Even with water flowing now and life returning, the negative habit energy still makes its presence felt, it’s still in the nature of the channels where the water flows.

I expected this to happen, so there’s an intellectual component to this, which is why I’m even posting about it. It’s an expected part of this path and might play a part in whatever I choose to do.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

5:34 – woke up
5:44 – final bow to J*ost (he was walking around outside the laundry room, probably doing laundry) while walking to Meditation Barn
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:16 – morning exercise: jogging around Meditation Hall
7:30 – walking meditation
8:00 – breakfast
9:30 – working meditation: Solidity Hamlet (monks) went down to Clarity Hamlet (nuns) to knock out the pantry walls in their kitchen to make more space.
12:45 – lunch (cooked by nuns in Solidity kitchen)
2:40 – went for a run
6:00 – dinner
6:30 – met guest Ruth and chatted

I was burned out a few nights ago, but it’s incredible how quickly I bounced back the next morning, and all it took was a nice sunny, unseasonably warm day. J*ost and Robin are gone and they will be missed, even if they were hard to keep up with. They left this morning while everyone was sitting. Bruno also left, and I’ll miss our conversations and his reminder to me (or me to myself) to keep my skepticism about this practice and if I get sucked into it completely, including the parts I’m not thrilled about, that I should remain aware that I’m letting myself get sucked into parts that I’m not thrilled about. I do have an attraction to the austerity of Theravadin practice, and in many ways I think it would be more appropriate for me, but it’s a stronger feeling that I’m just not Theravadin.

Guest Ruth arrived and she feels like a gift in response to the burnout. It wasn’t like, “Oh my god, you must be my long lost sister!”, but it was like I’m on my path, she’s on her path, and they’ve become vaguely parallel, and now that we’ve met, we’re finding some distinct and random connecting points. Random enough to make me feel that our meeting was meant to happen, and the timing feels like a gift. That feels good.

I went on a pretty good run this afternoon. I ran 4 miles in 36:14 minutes, which averages out to something like 9 minute miles. It’s nothing to be proud of, but the hills on the trails are real leg-busters. Given my knee problems and that I stopped running years ago because of them, I’m just happy that I was able to complete a hard 4 mile course. I felt like puking right after I finished, and even that was good. It meant I pushed myself hard enough to feel like puking, and even more important that I was able to push myself hard enough to feel like puking. One, the ability, two the doing.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
I’m officially burned out. Today was my most negative day here, and most doubt-filled one about what I’m doing. I’m burned out because I’m a very solitary person, and there’s a constant flow of people here from whom I really can’t avoid interacting. The monks have their own things to do, and their dorms are exclusively their space where they can be pretty much unaffected by whoever or how many people are visiting. But for me it’s been a near constant barrage of social input, constant effort into social output. I think Norman’s been good about putting guests into my room only after doubling up other people, but when someone does get placed in my room (and it’s never necessary, there are plenty of vacant rooms and beds), I really feel the lack of quiet and the heightened difficulty maintaining the practice. At these times, the slightest thing puts me on edge and makes me withdraw and shut people out.

I don’t want to give any impression that I think negatively of Y*ost and Robin, but they’re leaving this Saturday, and I’m partly looking forward to it. The amount of energy they have is unreal, and they come to Plum Village and Deer Park to recharge their batteries. They’ve just about drained mine. Their energy has a tendency to take over and overpower others’ if they aren’t assertive enough (so they require it of other people to be assertive), and I’ve just gotten sick of group gatherings that have turned into the Y*ost and Robin Show. But I think in retrospect, I will think of their contributions much more positively, and I’ve enjoyed their presence and learned from them and they’ve made a bunch of things these past three weeks a whole lot easier because of their energy. They're certainly lovely people with great big, giving hearts.

It’s also hard with all these laypeople guests when I’m the only aspirant. From the monks’ point of view, I’m grouped in with the laypeople, but I don’t have the same mindset as the laypeople, and I’m pushing my practice to lean more towards what I might expect as a monastic. Laypeople come here knowing it’s for a limited time and they have something to go back to. Their time here is social, to have fun, to rejuvenate their practice, and leave refreshed. I have trouble protecting myself from getting pulled out of practice.

Happinesses of the Day:
- After several days of cloudy, rainy mornings, waking up to a clear dawn with Venus, Mars, and a crescent moon with the dark side dimly but clearly illuminated by earthshine, all in a row.
- Th* Ngiem performing morning service. She has a voice that makes bodhisattvas bow.
- Walking down a mountain road after watching the sun set from one of the peaks.

Mars is the dim light between bright Venus and Moon

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

5:25 - woke up
5:49 – morning sitting
6:50 – assisted preparing breakfast
8:00 – breakfast
9:00 – coffee
10:00 – assisted preparing lunch
12:30 – lunch
afternoon free
4:00 – assisted in preparing dinner
6:00 – dinner
7:30 – laypeople evening sitting

In case you haven’t noticed, I was on cooking detail today. On the work rotation, I’m paired with my mentor, and I’m very glad about that. He was a chef in lay life, and I barely know my way around a cutting board, and it’s not for not having tried. I wish I could cook, I wish I knew my way around a kitchen, I’ve tried learning, but even now, when my mentor chops vegetables, he’s quick and graceful. I’m clumsy and inept, even though when I have cooked with other people, the one thing I could reliably do is chop stuff.

My ineptitude aside, I think our personalities are well-paired. In my version of events, we had an immediate rapport, so I thought he was a great guy that everybody liked, but his personality has an acerbic side which bounces off my happy-go-lucky teflon veneer. No, that’s not it. But when he gets like that, I don’t take it personally or get flustered. I stay even-minded and make self-deprecating wisecracks that I don’t mean seriously, either. We know when to be serious, when to be light, and I just go with the flow and always have a high respect for him. He’s told me bits about his old life and I think he brought a lot of suffering with him, and I think the type of suffering he’s dealt with makes him particularly suited to be my mentor. We don't even have to talk about it or draw on it. It just comes out and makes things pretty easy between us.

Happinesses of the Day:
- Ice cream and french fries at lunch
- Robin laughing at me from across the room for getting seconds (I almost never get seconds unless it's something special) of french fries and ice cream.
- Cooking detail with mentor
- French fries at lunch
- Ice cream at lunch
- Oh, and ice cream at lunch

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Another week begun. A day of ups and downs.

I put a special effort into re-constituting my practice by using time to my mindful advantage, but not letting it rule me. There’s plenty of time at the monastery to have a set schedule for disciplinary purposes, but enough flexibility to not feel pressured by it.

As a long-term guest, I take on responsibilities related to laypeople as time goes on and as appropriate. On Tuesday mornings, there is a DVD Dharma Talk by Thich Nhat Hanh for laypeople down in Clarity Hamlet. At first, they asked me if I could do it, and now I’ve gladly taken the responsibility for receiving the DVD from the A/V department during the morning, and then running the DVD. I also make sure any new guests know where the viewing room is, making sure the DVD player is set up, and setting up cushions and chairs. Oh, and my responsibilities also include getting there in time to do all that, a bit of challenge when fitting in morning coffee after breakfast, but the responsibility is emphasized with my re-constituted practice.

So this responsibility has been taking form over the past several weeks without me being very mindful of it. It struck me during the Dharma Talk this morning that it was a responsibility, and I realized that to cap off the responsibility, I should be inviting the convening and dispersing bells (we don’t “ring” bells, we “invite” them, got it? I’m not gonna explain that again). I hadn’t rung, er, invited the bell to start the DVD, but it wasn’t too late for the end. So at the end of the talk, there were three rings, er, invitings of the bell on the DVD to mark the end of the talk at Plum Village where it was recorded, and then I took the initiative of inviting the bell to end our gathering here.

Inviting the bell at the monastery is a pretty big deal, and I think it did make a difference. Instead of the DVD ending, and then people just randomly getting up and shuffling out and chatting with scattered energy, the bell at the end brought our collective energy together, and then when the bell ended, the energy released like a collective exhalation. An older Vietnamese woman, a guest from Pennsylvania, told me afterwards that I was doing a great job in my practice, and she was surprised that I had only been to Deer Park for five weeks. I think she was hinting that I seemed very natural in it.

So those are some ups. Most of my downs are related to feeling pulled away from my practice by being a layperson/guest. Stuff along those lines. And there’s a cute Vietnamese female guest staying down at Clarity who is causing me great suffering. In my pants. Just kidding, that’s a joke! Laugh, kids! After not having gone out with anyone for six years, she had all the qualities I’m looking for in a woman: she’s breathing. Hooha! I'm just full of them today. What's a monk without a sense of humor? A layperson! Hahaha.

5:25 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:00 – morning exercise: fast walking around the Meditation Hall
7:30 – walking meditation
8:10 – breakfast
9:30 – Laypeople Dharma Talk DVD in Clarity Hamlet.
11:00 – prepared a guestroom for two (biological) brothers of a monk
12:30 – lunch
2:30 – prepared for a layperson tea gathering in Clarity
3:00 – tea gathering
5:00 – personal walking meditation; mentor not available for meeting
6:00 – dinner
7:40 – personal sitting in my room

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Lazy Day:
I don’t think I’ve managed a single lazy day without leaving the monastery. Bruno arrived on Friday with a car, and I found he wasn’t adverse to driving down to the internet café in Escondido. He’s also a potential monastic aspirant, but not in this tradition. There are three major branches of Buddhism: Tibetan, Mahayana, and Theravadin. This monastery is Mahayana (and Zen is a branch of Mahayana), and Bruno is Theravadin. Theravadin is considered more “conservative” in that it is closer to the historical Buddha’s teaching, whereas Mahayana sects implement a much more liberal and expansive application of the teachings.
Both of us having studied quite a bit on Buddhism were surprised at how much we didn’t know about each other’s traditions. Not that I consider myself “Buddhist”, much less of the “Mahayana school”, so I’m not sure I would have been able to trace the core similarities between the two traditions the way he was able to.

He’s staying at Deer Park for a week, expanding his experiential horizons, and next he’s going to a place just on the other side of our eastern ridge, a monastery that is strictly in the Theravadin forest tradition, and was founded by a fellow Oberlin graduate, who I think I wrote about a while ago when he was featured in the alumni magazine. That article mentioned his monastery was in Southern California, but didn’t mention the city it is close to, so I didn’t realize how close it was to Deer Park.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Five Mindfulness Trainings:
I touched on this before. The Five Mindfulness Trainings are precepts for laypeople. We don’t call them precepts because we don’t like the implication that they are commandments and are maintained or broken, succeeded at or failed. The idea isn’t to strictly live by these precepts, but to train ourselves to be mindful of them as they present themselves in various issues in our daily lives, even when we’re not following them. Easier said than done, and I think a lot of people, including monks, put a moral value on them, which they shouldn’t.

This morning, in place of the first Dharma Talk, we had a ceremony for reciting the trainings. The ceremony is performed once a month, and if there are people interested in receiving them, there is a transmission ceremony as well. I received them at last month’s ceremony. It’s a ritualistic thing. I guess people wouldn’t take them seriously if there wasn’t a ritualistic aspect placed on them, and that makes sense, I can accept that. So it is encouraged that the trainings be recited every month, and if they aren’t recited in three months, preferably with a practicing community in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition, the transmission is "lost".

The ceremony is formal with the monastics dressing up in their orange “sangati” robes over their usual brown ones, and it follows a script in a book and includes bell ringing and prostrations. Each of the trainings are read aloud and it is asked whether the practitioner has done his or her best to study, understand, and practice each training. The response is silent since each person’s response is personal. So I imagine a silent response to the Fifth Mindfulness Training, the one on mindful consumption might be something like, "Yes, I am aware of the suffering caused every day by my turning on my car; that people, plants, and animals are even killed, and natural resources destroyed, so that I may drive it, even though more than half the time I could have taken public transportation or ridden a bike which would have also improved my health and fitness. Whenever I turn on my car, I am mindful of the global consequences, and I am sorry for the poor suckers who suffer for my convenience."

I’m gonna suck as a monk.

Total Relaxation:
Among the afternoon activities on Sunday Day of Mindfulness is often something we call “Total Relaxation”. Some people love it and swear by it. I’m not particularly enamored of it. It’s basically a guided meditation while lying down, in which participants are guided to focus on body parts to relax each part, one by one. All the times I’ve participated, it has been guided by a pleasant-voiced nun, and after the guided part is done, she sings for 10-15 minutes, almost lullaby-like, to aid in the relaxation. A lot of people fall asleep during Total Relaxation, which is fine, almost expected, and they snore to wake up the dead. A lot of people experience not knowing whether they fell asleep or not, but they end up refreshed and relaxed. I’ve fallen asleep during it (don’t know if I snored), I’ve also experienced not knowing whether I’d fallen asleep or not, and I’ve managed to stay aware through the whole thing. Never have I emerged refreshed and relaxed. Quite the contrary, I get irritable and impatient. In fact, during Total Relaxation has been the only time at the monastery that I’ve become irritable and impatient! I’m still trying to figure out what that means, aside from maybe sucking as a monk.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Apparently there was a misunderstanding. Norman was clarifying with the monks whether I was an aspirant or not (for payment purposes). A monk told him that I wasn’t, and that I would know before he did. We took that to mean that the monastics would tell me when I was an aspirant first, so I would find out before he did. But no, that was the wrong interpretation. What the monk meant was that I would know first by making an affirmative request for aspirancy, and once that went through, he would be told that I shouldn’t be charged anymore. So, bottom line, I’m not waiting for the monks to tell me I’m an aspirant, but they’re waiting for me to forward an affirmative request to become one. No harm done, all good.

So now that I know the ball’s in my court, I need to get clear on some other issues, such as what exactly is an “aspirant”, and what is the expectation of an aspirant towards monkdom. 50%? 75%? 90%? Especially when aspirancy means that I would no longer need to pay for my stay here. What will aspirancy mean for my ability to come and go? Is it possible to fall out of aspirancy, or is waffling on the path (which apparently many people do) an expected part of aspirancy?

There’s an issue of when I should or can request aspirancy. I know that generally, potential aspirants need to stay for a period of three months before being accepted as an aspirant. So for me, that would be the end of January, during the trip to Vietnam, and I can’t hang around paying, waiting until the trip is over in April. I get the feeling that some of the brothers are keen on me moving along on my path, but I don’t know how much that translates into flexibility for me to be accepted as an aspirant before three months are up, and before they leave for Vietnam.

I’m also considering whether I can go back to New Jersey during the three month Vietnam trip, ostensibly to settle all my secular life affairs and work with my parents in case they have a problem with my decision to become a monk, and then immediately return as an aspirant when the trip is over. Perhaps whether I go to Deer Park or Plum Village will depend on how long a period of aspirancy is expected. If I’m still floundering with the decision, I’ll return to Deer Park. If my decision is made and my period of aspirancy looks like it will be rather short, then I’ll just go straight to Plum Village, perhaps with a recommendation from the Deer Park monastics that I should be ordained asap.

I’m hoping that once I make the decision, it will be an arrow shot straight and true. Boom, buckle down, we got to move these refrigerators, we got to move these color TVs. All that monasticism entails and means will become my life, and I will become it. My feeling is that my time here now is making sure it’s what I want to do, and the Vietnam trip is an opportunity to make sure I don’t want to return to a secular life of desires and attachments.

5:25 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting
6:50 – Touching the Earth (prostrations)
7:08 – morning exercise: jogging around Meditation Hall
7:20 – walking meditation
7:45 – in tea room with P. Tra*h for Vietnamese coffee. He disappeared and I made it anyway and skipped breakfast
8:45 – began unofficial work meditation (guestrooms)
9:30 – after more coffee, joined official work meditation team extending the vegetable garden
10:40 – stopped work meditation because of rain
11:00 – cleaned tool shed
11:30 – tea in the tea room with P. Tra*h, and John and Jesse (from San Diego who came up just for Saturday work day)
12:30 – lunch
Afternoon – listless, cold Saturday afternoon, doing some guestroom related responsibilities.
3:00 – DVD Dharma talk by Thich Nhat Hanh for laypeople.
6:00 – dinner
7:45 – evening sitting and chanting

P. Tr*ch making Vietnamese coffee


I nailed a nun with a soccer ball during morning exercise. A group of nuns were doing stick exercises at one end of the parking lot, a group of monks were playing soccer in the parking lot, and another group, including me, were jogging around the Meditation Hall. As I was coming around the building into the parking lot, the soccer ball was heading right at me really fast, so I did what anyone would do – I kicked it without aiming. Fortunately it hit one of the good-natured nuns (I was told later, everyone saw it), another older one. What is it with me and nuns? One week I’m getting felt up by one and the next I’m nailing another . . . with a soccer ball.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
I would like to start including some daily schedules as well as happinesses of the day in this blog, once I can get more disciplined and focused about them.

5:35 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting
6:45 – Touching the Earth (prostrations)
7:00 – morning exercise: jogging around the Meditation Hall.
7:30 – walking meditation down to Clarity Hamlet for Day of Mindfulness
8:00 – breakfast in Clarity
8:30 – walked back up to Solidity Hamlet with J*ost, Robin, Sarah, and Eric to have coffee in the tea room and wait for Eric to pack up and to see him off.
9:30 – Skipped the first Dharma Talk in Clarity waiting for Eric.
10:15 – Bid farewell to Eric, and afterwards continued reading in the tea room. Chatted with Norman, paid for three weeks worth of staying here, and put a package in the mail.
11:00 – walked down to Clarity to catch the second Dharma Talk, only to arrive at the very end of it.
12:30 – informal lunch at Clarity
1:15 – returned to Solidity Hamlet to read and nap in the tea room.
2:30 – arrived late at the laypeople Dharma sharing outside the big Meditation Hall. Contributed a bit about death (someone else brought it up and no one else was responding to it, so I did).
3:35 – went for a walk which turned into a hike into an unknown area, triggering my personal emergency alert rating system, which I use to gauge the level I should be panicking, since I don’t naturally panic very well. It reached level one, and almost reached level two before I reached a safe area.
5:35 – returned to monastery
6:07 – dinner (spaghetti! Yay!)
Rest of the evening: hang out in tea room and socialized with guest Dustin, a professional speed skater/cyclist from Calgary.

Happinesses of the Day:
- During the hike, getting to the top of a climb, standing on the topmost rocks and seeing the trail on the other side that I needed to see to start feeling I wasn’t going to be lost or stuck for hours on the dark, cold desert mountain until the moon rose. It was a huge relief, but it was definitely ebullient happiness, too, even though I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet.
- Spaghetti for dinner! (food here is mostly Vietnamese, so spaghetti is a treat)
- Feeling of Winter in the night air. It’s cold, just not freezing. The feeling is one of beautiful emptiness and loneliness.

At the top of the climb, although I was worried about getting to familiar ground before dark, I still had the lack of sense to appreciate the scenery.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Happinesses of the Day:
No, no happiness of today. It was a good day, but my practice is getting to be a struggle. It may be an offshoot of getting overwhelmed by the retreat. Yesterday’s Lazy Day, I was on cooking detail (meals are the only things scheduled for Lazy Day, and it’s just unluck of the draw if you end up on cooking detail), so I didn’t get any recharge from yesterday.

All day today I was trying to refocus myself on my practice. Even having fun with J*ost and Robin I notice is a distraction. After four weeks here and getting a little comfortable with the day to day, I need to recommit myself to the practice and be careful not to fall into mindlessly living here in this peace.

Today I may have also been preoccupied by the news I heard yesterday that Thich Nhat Hanh’s trip to Vietnam is back on! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it already, but Thich Nhat Hanh was exiled from his homeland in 1966 because of his peace efforts during the war. Working for peace meant that both sides considered him an enemy – you know, if you’re not for us, you’re against us (where have I heard that before?). But in the past year, there have been steps and gestures for his return and finally a plan. Then I think there was a groundswell of interest by the Vietnamese people and the government started getting scared, so they tried limiting where he could go, how many people he could speak to (audience-wise), and what he could talk about, and Thich Nhat Hanh declined and the trip was cancelled. Then the government conceded and I don’t know what the terms are, but now the trip is back on and they’re (supposedly) going from January 9, 2005 to the middle of April.

Most of the Deer Park monastics are going, about 75% of the monks and half the nuns. I’m patiently waiting to hear what my options are, but it’s something that’s looming. The monastics I’m sure haven’t discussed what my options will be, and I can’t even project what they might be. I do know that my money will fall below a critical level during the period they’re away, and this is me being practical, not neurotic. So if the news is a source of distraction, I think it’s somewhat reasonable. Although as something out of my control and will manifest when it’s time, I should be able to be not distracted by it. OOOOOOMMMMM. Sorry, that OM was more sarcastic than it was meant to be.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Thanksgiving Retreat
I’m exhausted. Worn down. I’m so glad this weekend’s Thanksgiving Retreat is over. Nothing bad, nothing really negative, just that I let it all catch up with me. On Thursday, Thanksgiving, we had a community day that we call “Day of Mindfulness” when families and practitioners come up to enjoy being at the monastery, and the afternoon activity was making hundreds of eggrolls that get hand delivered to the monastery’s neighbors, who are pretty good about the traffic the monastery generates. They do it every year and the neighbors apparently appreciate it.



So I was already tired by the time retreatants started arriving steadily on Friday. The sudden influx of people made me want to withdraw, but I had to help out with hospitality, walking people to their rooms and chatting to get them in the relaxed mode of the monastery.

Saturday:
Saturday was predictably a bit of a madhouse. Morning sitting in the Meditation Hall was guided to accommodate people who were new-ish to the practice, so one of the monks would speak every five to ten minutes. It was morning sitting lite, but the change in energy with so many people was nice. Meals were minor ordeals, but things went smoothly with two Dharma talks in the morning and mass walking meditation. I chatted with some people, but you don’t get good conversations out of weekend retreatants. In fact, one one-sided conversation was damn near excruciating, but once I realized this person just wanted to talk and talk and talk, I just let him. I realized I didn’t have a pressing need to contribute to the conversation, inject ego, and if he enjoyed talking, I was happy just listening.

Saturday night, though, I finally shut down. After dinner, we had a “be in” in the dining hall, a fun community time with skits and songs. I withdrew. At first, I withdrew by joining the kitchen clean-up crew. Then I stood off on the sides, munching on ginger snaps and mint oreos. Then I finally left, having completely lost my mindfulness. Everyone was having fun, it was a party, it felt good, a respectful space to share and express. But it wasn’t home, so I left. I’m always searching for that feeling of home. I need to be more aware of that always searching for that feeling of home. The friends, the company, the music, the activity, the place, myself. Always: is this home? This monastery and monastic community feels like home. But not all the time.

Today:
Most everyone left, and I’m relieved. All the energy that built up from having so many people up here got released.

Happinesses of the day:
- clear, cool, crisp dawn, walking to morning sitting, after a night of pouring rain
- walking up some steps to the dining hall, I paused when I heard a bell because that’s what we do at this monastery. An older nun behind me, not hearing the bell, not knowing why I stopped, and thinking I was a nun, put her hands on my butt because I was blocking her way. A senior monk was right behind her. I like that nun, she’s funny, and we had a good laugh about it.
- Thinking about the song “Secret World” from the “Secret World Live” DVD during walking meditation.
- Horsing around with Brother H*i and (flirting with?) Natalie, a “regular”.
- Hearing that guest Jennifer will be trying to come up for a week long visit within the next few weeks. Good conversations usually happen with week-long guests.
- J*ost (pronounced ‘Yoast’) and Robin, a couple from Holland who frequent Plum Village and Deer Park. They’re here for a couple more weeks, and I have feeling they might be listed as a happiness every day until they leave.
- Running the Engellman Oak trail bathed in orange sunset light.
- avocados, omelet eggs, and rice

Older Vietnamese women telling me what to do also makes me lose my mindfulness. There's one here that has a penchant for ordering people, including me, around. And her English is a quarter decent, so I can't pretend like I can't understand her. Finally, when she told me to do something, I mindfully told her I would bring it up as a work item for working meditation. She's laying off for now.

Funny, though, that I have no problem with younger Vietnamese women telling me what to do. Meow *reconsidering monasticism*.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

The key word in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition is “mindfulness”. We practice mindfulness and live mindfully. That means everything we do is done consciously and with appreciation. Some people go through entire days mindlessly and without a thought to what a gift this life is. When a pain in our legs hampers our walking, then we pay attention to our legs and our walking, but when our legs are healthy, we don’t pay any attention to them. They just work for us like they were our slaves. When our lungs are healthy, we don’t pay attention to our breathing, but if you have had asthma, you know what it’s like not being able to take breathing for granted. The starting point of the training here is that not even walking and breathing are taken for granted, and mindful walking and mindful breathing are the very start of the training.

But the training here is practice, not perfection, and I’ve seen what some monks are working on. One monk from England had a six members of his family visit, and he got so preoccupied with making sure everything was just right for them that he was flustered and distracted. Jokes were completely lost on him because his mind was somewhere other than the present moment, obsessing about things he had no control over. You can’t really fault him, family will do that to you, but it was interesting watching it.

Another monk who used to be a Roman Catholic priest is aware of what he’s working on, that he needs to “let it go!” He’s a control freak when there’s a job to get done, and I saw him in action on community work day. All that week prior, I had been working pleasantly in mindfulness side by side with him, sanding and sealing the new wood of the Meditation Hall. But when a lot of people were there and control was necessary and directions had to be given, I had to shut him out and do my own thing, or else I would have been caught in his habit energy. It was like he was a completely different person.

For me, it’s money issues that make me lose my mindfulness, so I know what it’s like. I probably put too much concern into whether or not Earthlink didn’t charge me after I cancelled internet service. And I noticed my thoughts going wiggy when I found out I had to pay the full guest price at the monastery until I was officially accepted as an aspirant. The rest of my afternoon was filled with thoughts about my bank account getting low and figuring out at what point I’d have to leave and still have a comfortable margin to figure out what to do next. It became an assumption that I’d be leaving. It was the end of any thoughts of being an aspirant. The money was going to run out and I had to leave well before that happened.

The train of thought itself was damage done. The thoughts were like dominoes falling, and even though I recognized what was going on and started countering it right away, I know I’m still repairing thought damage. I think the guy who runs the office (not a monastic) was uncomfortable bringing the topic of payment up with me, and there may be reasons why he might have thought it would be a touchy subject. But the first thing I started doing was making him comfortable, our acquaintance wasn’t going to be compromised, if I have to pay, I’ll pay.

So I have my sights on the issue, but there are a lot of feelings associated with money issues that I can’t control. Part of me is doing a mantra like “let it go!”, but mine is “let the money run out”. Let go of the money. Go ahead, hit rock bottom. Screw fiscal responsibility! And once I do that, I can be more comfortable with the calculations, knowing some decision will be made before I do actually hit rock bottom. Either I’ll leave here with just barely enough buffer to get started in secular life again, or I’ll stay and it won’t matter if I run out of money. Of course, at some unknown point, I’m supposed to be declared an aspirant, at which point I wouldn’t have to pay further. But all of this is theory, and I know money is still a hard issue for me.

The irony is that my parents worked constantly, neglecting me and my brothers’ upbringing to some extent so that we would never have to worry about money. They centralized money as the number one priority and the only important thing from which any happiness could flow. Now, the only thing that really makes me neurotic is money. One thing is clear. All these years that I’ve visited them and they’ve given me money and I’ve accepted it, I was never in any dire financial straits. But if I hit rock bottom, zero in the bank account, I would absolutely not go to them for financial help. The thought of going to them for financial help when I really need it just screams against every fiber of my being, even though a decent percentage of whatever has ever been in my bank account at any given moment was thanks to them. Now that’s money in the bank for some psychotherapist!

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Rotation of the Earth Sutra:
I love living under relatively clear skies. Light pollution from the city of Escondido obscures the night sky in the southwest, but the rest of the sky is quite satisfactory compared to both San Francisco, where either fog or light pollution ruined the entire sky, and New Jersey, where light pollution from New York City rendered all but the brightest stars invisible. But every clear night so far, I’ve been watching constellations rising over the eastern ridge, others making their way across the sky, sometimes staying out long enough to notice the stars move.

This sometimes translates into daytime activities if I’m working outside, and I can notice the shadows change as the sun moves across the sky. That’s what I call the rotation of the earth sutra. With my feet planted firmly on the ground, this incredibly large rock is rotating actually quite quickly on its axis. We usually don’t notice this because we usually only notice the position of the sun and stars in split second moments. Look up, there it is, go back to what we were doing. But look long enough and have something to mark their relative position, you can notice them move. I don’t think of the sun or the stars moving, but I consciously think of the earth rotating like it’s breathing and living. Perhaps each day as one large inhalation, and each night as one large exhalation. Breathe in, breathe out, that’s one day. And that’s the sutra. Breathe in, breathe out, and that’s a day of our lives. What did we do with it? What will we do with the next?

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Marketplace Meditation:
I wandered into town again today for the second “lazy day” (Mondays) in a row. I don’t think I want to make it a habit, but I had a reason to go today – to try to find a replacement part for a camera tripod that I brought for star-gazing through binoculars. Alas, no luck.

I still don’t know if my leaving the monastery grounds is frowned upon. So far no one has said anything. And today, while walking the three miles to the nearest bus stop, I got a lift part of the way from two of the monks who were driving to get avocado trees for the monastery! And right behind them were a group of nuns in a minivan! Aren’t they in the middle of Winter Retreat? No monastics are supposed to leave the monastery grounds during retreat unless for necessary errands. *shrug*

But I did treat my excursion as practice, maintaining mindfulness while back in the secular world. It’s really interesting doing that, comparing it with how I used to be in secular life and feeling the difference from monastic life. Check my feelings about being in the secular world. I sped up my walking pace in order to not seem too strange. I went to a mall to look for the tripod part, and that’s really the fun part of practice because if there’s a polar opposite to the monastery, I think a mall would come pretty close. Bastion of unchecked, rampant, uncritical consumerism and capitalism. Greed and desire, materialism. What’s the purpose? What’s the point? What’s getting all of this stuff really going to get us? I did, however, check out a Meade telescope in the Discovery Channel Store :). Walking through the mall, the images flowed. I didn’t let anything distract me, just let them come and let them go, maybe muse on what they were doing, analyzing the advertisement ploy to make people buy; wondering about the lives of all these people.

I was in the “marketplace” for seven hours, and most of it was spent walking and waiting for buses. An hour and 15 minutes was spent in an internet café, and all the bus rides were pretty short – easily less than an hour total. The final walk back up to the monastery was about an hour, so roughly three miles, maybe a little more.

When I got back, a group of monks were digging holes to plant the five avocado trees they bought. Yay avocados!! I joined in and we worked until it was too dark. So much for lazy day! And this is after a weekend of work.

On Saturday we had a community work day when laypeople are invited to the monastery to contribute their labor on ongoing projects. A good amount of people came up to sand and seal the new meditation hall, work on the vegetable garden, and plant ice plants on a hillside to prevent erosion. The people who come are usually “regulars”, and this is their way of giving back. And in return, we feed them and offer a sense of community and gratitude. We also offered to house them for the night if they wanted to participate in Sunday’s Day of Mindfulness. People come up and listen to a Dharma talk, and participate in walking meditation and a “formal” lunch, and just vibe with the community.

Needless to say, I’m pooped.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Suppose someone standing alongside a river throws a pebble in the air and it falls down into the river. The pebble allows itself to sink slowly and reach the riverbed without any effort. Once the pebble is at the bottom, it continues to rest, allowing the water to pass by. When we practice sitting meditation, we can allow ourselves to rest just like that pebble. The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, Thich Nhat Hanh, p. 26.

I was never really a huge Thich Nhat Hanh fan before because his writing is very practical and grounded, where I like ideas and concepts and developing theory. But I’ve been reading a lot of his books since there are so many of them here, and they are really quite good. I think of writings I like by great teachers from centuries ago. Centuries from now, I think Thich Nhat Hanh will be read in such a way, with reverence and authority. He will probably go down in history as one of the great “patriarchs”, so it’s kinda cool living at the same time as him.

But I’m not into adulation, and I’m not chomping at the bit to get to Plum Village to meet him. If anything, I’d rather avoid it, as I tend to shy away from “authority figures”. When I do meet him, I’m gonna try to make a point to cross my eyes at him. Maybe I’ll recite one of his mindfulness verses back at him as a rap.

I really liked the above passage by him in two contexts. I love the image, a Summer day in a sun-speckled forest with a river or a brook running through. I put myself into the point of view of the pebble. Someone comes along and picks me up. I feel the rush of acceleration as I’m launched into the air - *whhooaaaaaaaa!* The earth falls away and I catch a wonderful panoramic view from higher than I’ve ever seen before. Then gravity slows me down and I accelerate downward, plunging towards the water. I hit the water with a splash, impact, sudden deceleration, ripples, and then float to the bottom, and there I am in the Meditation Hall, sitting.

But the fall is like an image I have from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, in the “emergent existence” between during the period before being reborn. Our amorphous, disembodied, substance-less selves float through a mystical space that corresponds with physical reality, “searching” for a womb in which to be reborn. It is said that beings advanced in the way can actually navigate this between with some proto-consciousness, choosing where to be reborn. Ideally in a place with a historical mystic nexus, such as the Himalayas or the Middle East, although that one has been historically battered by humans and their religions. So the fall of the pebble is like the fall to earth to be reborn, not unlike the imagery of the haibane in the anime Haibane Renmei. Then the splash of being born, into the stream of life where one can struggle, swim, or just float calmly to the bottom.

Yeehaw, I've negotiated an hour of internet access per week at the monastery! Strictly for communications, which any rank lawyer could interpret to include blogging :) This might mean more frequent entries, but posted on a weekly basis on Fridays.

So first some back-blogging.

at breakfast:
Dear Thay, dear Sangha, I would like to express my most profound and most mindful gratitude to the Sangha. A few days ago, I was informed that my request to stay for a longer period of time at Deer Park was approved, so that I could find out if my spiritual path will become a monastic path. I truly believe in this practice, and I trust the wisdom and insight of the Sangha implicitly. So even if my request was turned down, I could accept that decision mindfully and with gratitude...although perhaps not quite as much. *laughter*, Brother H*i, now my mentor, gives me a big "loser" sign. I bow deeply.

I found out from Brother H*i on Wednesday afternoon that my request for an extended stay had been approved. I actually got a big hint that morning, when after morning sitting (6:00-6:45), I looked down by the side of my cushion and saw that there was a name marker with my name on it! Lay friends and guests don't have name markers and they sit wherever. I just happened to have sat down at the right place.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes, The practice of mindfulness is the key to enlightenment. When you become aware of something, you begin to have enlightenment. When you drink a cup of water and are aware that you are drinking a cup of water deeply with your whole being, enlightenment in its initial form is there. To be enlightened is to be enlightened on something. I am enlightened on the fact that I am drinking a cup of water. (For a Future to Be Possible: Commentaries on the Five Mindfulness Trainings, p. 176.

Fully aware, not just peripherally aware that you're drinking a cup of water. It's important that he wrote that this is an 'initial form' of enlightenment. The higher, abstract manifestations of enlightenment that I've ruminated about before is for thinkers. Intellectual exercises that without a sound foundation in practice ultimately manifest in superficial, tenuous ways.

I don't mean that as a put-down, it's a good starting point and theoretical foundation. You start up with high-falutin' concepts of enlightenment, but once you really start engaging it, you drop down to the most simplest, basic practice that Thich Nhat Hanh describes.

I'm pretty comfortable stating that all of the monastics here are enlightened. They have attained that 'initial form' of enlightenment. That enlightenment is just the lifestyle here, and it's not merely form. Living this lifestyle has given them a deep look into life and profound insights into being. You don't need to be a monastic to attain this level of enlightenment, but it's much harder maintainging something like this lifestyle in secular life.

None of this is to ignore the belief or suggestion that we all already are enlightened.

I think that there are enlightenment seekers who upon seeing what enlightenment is would decide that they'd rather not have it. When it comes right down to it, many people would decide that strong desires and attachments are a good thing, that's what life's about, that's why we have so many things to enjoy and take pleasure in and tempt us. And that's true, it's just not enlightenment.

After staying two weeks as a paying, registered guest, monastic aspirants need to submit a letter to the monastic community to stay longer. I was told my letter was quite good:

Dear Deer Park Sangha,

I have been visiting Deer Park Monastery since October 29, 2004, and I am now writing to request permission for an extended stay at Deer Park Monastery for the purpose of further investigating a possible monastic aspiration.

I have been interested in the monastic path for many years, and having tried many options in secular life, my mind has always returned to the idea of pursuing the monastic path. During the course of secular life, I have maintained a consistent, solitary home practice, supplemented by reading and personal study and reflection, which has encouraged me to view many things in the secular world, if not most (if not all!), in a spiritual light.

Prior to visiting Deer Park, my practice has involved sitting, either alone or with a Sangha where available, and has influenced my life through maintaining harmonious interpersonal/family relationships, and maintaining meditative/critical mindfulness while pursuing hobbies and activities such as cycling, photography, astronomy, watching movies, and playing music.

To that extent, I have been able to manifest the spiritual theory in engaged practice, but my time at Deer Park has encouraged me to look more deeply at my practice at its very foundation; in the very simple and practical application of life, living, and existing. Perhaps this might be the “next level” beyond theory that I need, and to decide whether the monastic path is the right path for me. Already, I have taken the opportunity to receive the Five Mindfulness Trainings, and I immediately looked into them further through Thich Nhat Hanh’s book on them (available through the Deer Park Monastery Tea Room). Reading on them further has, indeed, greatly expanded my understanding and appreciation for them.

I have already engaged many of the monastics at Deer Park and they are aware of my aspirations/investigation and my level of participation with the community. I am, of course, prepared and willing to continue contributing and participating to the full extent of my ability, including work meditation, grounds preparation for retreats, Tea Room maintenance (guests being the primary users of the Tea Room, I think it proper, as a guest, for me to contribute to its maintenance), and sharing my music background. Other work skills include office related work and law and writing related work.

Over the course of the time that I am allowed to stay, I would be searching in my heart whether the monastic path is where my life has been leading, while learning as much as I can about what it takes and what it means to be a monastic on both a spiritual and practical level. Just being here and being involved has been my greatest education, and any feedback, observations, criticisms, encouragements, etc., would be appreciated. Access to the monastic library would be nice, but so would internet access to maintain a “monastic aspirant weblog” (online journal) – but I understand if those are against policy.

I am committed to live harmoniously and responsibly with the community as long as I am here.

Sincerely,
Koji Li

Like any application, it is prettied up.

The monastery was very peaceful during the week after all the folks from last weekend’s retreat left. This weekend was another retreat for college students, but there were about half the amount of people, and I wasn’t walking right into it, so it was OK. When did college students get so cute and fuzzy? When I went to college, everyone looked so mature, you know, adult like. Anyway, I feel like I haven’t matured much from college, so I was able to relate to these kids more than the adults from last week. I had some great conversations.

I met a woman whose company and conversation made such an impression on me that by the end of the weekend, I adopted her as my first “Dharma sister”. We may never see each other again, but that’s OK, it was that connection, at that time that counts. She’s on her own spiritual path, and her background is more Tibetan Buddhism.

We both took the Five Mindfulness Trainings this morning in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition (I think she had already taken similar ones in a Tibetan tradition). It’s like receiving precepts or taking vows, but not. They’re not prohibitions or commandments. They are things to keep in mind to guide us and strive for, even if we end up “breaking” them. That’s one of the beauties of Thich Nhat Hanh’s tradition. They’re not there to restrain or suppress us or to make us feel guilty if we fail to maintain them, but to strive for wisdom in both our successes and failures.

I had my reservations about taking all of them. In particular, the fifth one, which is a mindfulness training against ingesting physical or mental toxins, and an express mindfulness not to drink alcohol. First of all, as long as I’m here at the monastery or if I follow the monastic path, that’s no problem. But if I return to secular life, I’m not going to lie to myself, I will drink alcohol. Second of all, I understand the social problems associated with alcohol, however, I’m not convinced of any arguments for the explicit prohibition against alcohol. It just seems arbitrary and my drinking patterns withstand all the arguments I’ve read and heard.

A main argument was that even if you drink in moderation, you affect people around you, especially your family members who might see you drinking, and they might be prone to having alcohol problems. Fair enough, but that’s not an issue with me, since for the most part no one sees me drinking. How about social drinking, where going to a bar is central to maintaining one’s social life? Drinking socially might be colluding and enabling one of your friends who might end up with a problem. Fair enough, that’s a reason to engage this mindfulness training on a deeper level. One monk was telling me how he used to be able to go out with friends to a bar before he became a monk, and he just wouldn’t drink. He didn’t need alcohol as a social lubricant. But in this case, drinking or not drinking doesn’t seem to be the main issue. The fact that you’re even at the bar is colluding and enabling because your very presence at a bar suggests alcohol consumption, even if you aren’t actually drinking alcohol.

I understand the focus on alcohol as a problem and a target for mindful consumption, but the explicit prohibition seems arbitrary to me. My personal pet peeve target for mindful consumption would be using fossil fuels. Here at the monastery, the act of turning on a car is done mindfully, presumably; there is a mindfulness verse for it. However, I don’t think the concept of turning on a car is done mindfully, because that would entail not turning on a car unless it’s really necessary. Turning on a car for me is just as bad as having a drink, even worse because we generally seem to think it’s OK without thinking of the global consequences of simply turning on a car. Turning on a car drives wars. And monastics drive fossil fuel vehicles from one hamlet to another – a quarter of a mile, a ten minute mindful walk. They have an electric golf cart, but why not have more for intra-monastery transportation? Why not have more bikes? The hill will give them strong legs and is good for their cardio-vascular system.

So I can maintain the mindful consumption of the fifth mindfulness training without abiding by the explicit prohibition on alcohol. I might even go so far as to give up any social drinking to maintain it, stop hanging out at bars, not go to events where alcohol consumption is central (I said I might). In exchange, I’ll keep riding my bike and keep talking about the toxic consumption of fossil fuels which poisons our bodies, other peoples’ bodies, and our environment.

I don’t think the fifth mindfulness training has an explicit prohibition on cigarette smoking. I’m telling you, it’s arbitrary.

Self-portrait outside the guest buildings

Last Friday was my travel day, and it went without a hitch. After over eleven years in California, I can safely declare that I’m a Californian. Walking out of San Diego Airport, I felt a rush of familiarity – the air, the sunlight – that I never felt going back to New Jersey for visits. The New Jersey part of me died a long time ago, if it even ever existed.

It was just a pain getting from San Diego Airport to the monastery by public transportation. Almost three hours, taking three buses just to get to Escondido. In Escondido, I ate my last meal on the outside at a Mexican eatery – so good after four months of crap East Coast idea of Mexican food – then I called a cab to take me to the foot of the mountain of the monastery. I admit I was trying to keep the cab fare down, I have a habit-attachment to money, but climbing the road up to the monastery was meant to be a symbolic gesture – difficult and on my own feet. It’s over a mile and several hundred feet of climbing. Of course, halfway up I was thinking how stupid that was and I should’ve just cabbed it up.

Just my luck, I arrived on the first day of a retreat and there were tons of people already at the monastery. It was a bit of an unwelcome shock, but I got through it. The first monk I recognized was Brother T*i, an older, white American monk, who I don’t think recognized me from last year. He was in a van and offered to drive me up the last uphill to the monks’ hamlet, but I waved him on, and immediately regretted it as I trudged up that last incline.

I left my pack in the tea room and headed down to the dining hall where the first monk I met who recognized me was Brother L*i, a British monk, who arrived from Plum Village last year during my visit. After dinner I found Brother H*i, an Australian monk, who has been my contact at Deer Park leading up to this visit, and he got me settled into a guestroom. The retreat ended yesterday and just about everybody left; just a few stragglers still around.

Today was the monastery’s “lazy day” with no scheduled plans. I went on a hike with Brother L*i and David, who was a long term guest last year when I was visiting. We took a path up a ravine to the ridge east of the monastery and it involved some light rock climbing. I’m hoping to get to know the surrounding area pretty well.

Well, so long folks. I'm off to the monastery. Now for the hardest part of all - cancelling my ISP account. It's like cutting off my arm!

I feel I've been neglecting this blog these past few weeks for no good reason, and maybe that's a sign that this is the appropriate time to move on out of my parents' house and to whatever's next. I think things stagnated here faster than they ever could in San Francisco. It has admittedly been luxurious being a freeloader these past four months, with a small price of giving up certain freedoms. OK, it was a big price, and I couldn't float along here forever without melting down.

I'm going here for an unspecified amount of time. When I get there tomorrow, I register for a two week period, and at the end of the two week period, I ask if I can stay longer and state my reasons why I want to. From that point, I don't know what I become, maybe a long-term resident, maybe a monastic aspirant, hopefully not another 'freeloader'. Eventually I might decide to become a monk and then if I'm accepted, I'd take novice vows. I think the head shaving happens then as well as the robe wearing. If I decide to leave, I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll go. If I'm lame, which I am, I'll probably end up back in New Jersey to float some more to figure out what to do next. I'm thinking the time frame for all of this is 3 months to over a year.

I don't know what sort of internet access I'll have at the monastery. They have a connection in their business office, but I don't know who's allowed to use it or for how long. I'm hoping that long-term residents can request time on the internet. If so, there might be sporadic blogging and emailing, but I'm not counting on it. Staying in touch with people is good, but can't be a focal point of my being there.

Bottom line is this blog is officially on hiatus.

Maybe I overstate my claims of being a luddite. Once you've called your cell phone (which isn't really mine) because you can't find it, you've lost most of your luddite cred.

Before:



After:

voting:
I'm spending my morning filling out my California absentee ballot. I don't have the voter information book, and didn't realize until halfway through that I can look everything up online. Ican't believe I'm such a luddite. I can't believe I am such a pinko!

I think there's a valid argument against absentee ballots. I feel removed from the issues, I have no one to discuss them with and I don't get the junk mail which I actually save and use to make decisions. No, I don't think the absentee ballot is a bad thing, but maybe it shouldn't be so easy? Maybe I should have been forced to vote New Jersey? I dunno.

For the Presidential election, there's a bad choice, and there's a worse/worst choice. I'm voting for the bad choice because I'm not that much of a pinko to be subversive enough to vote for the worse/worst choice.

Two War Movies: DVD reviews
I feel like I need to apologize for it, but I just didn't like "Apocalypse Now Redux". I know I've seen "Apocalypse Now" before because I recognized scenes, and I don't remember thinking the film was bad, and I still don't think the film was bad, but something bothers me about it now, redux or otherwise.

I think it was the use of the Vietnam War as a foil to tell this tale, this journey into the heart of man's darkness. One review headline considers the movie the greatest Vietnam War movie of all time. That bothers me because it's not a Vietnam War movie, it's decidedly not about the Vietnam war. In fact, the source book, The Heart of Darkness, is apparently set in Africa.

The Vietnam War is still so explosive and fresh in memory, that its use in this movie merely as a foil feels cheap. It's important for Vietnam War movies to say something about the actual war - what happened, what was it like, what were we doing there, or why it was such a controversial, heart-wrenching conflict. Arguing that the story's thesis of man's inhumanity makes the Vietnam War the perfect backdrop for the film is wasted on me, because the connections are just in principle. Nothing in the film makes the connection between the meaning of the story and the Vietnam War.

And the end sequence was just offensive - neither Vietnamese or Cambodians are savages in the jungle, wearing loincloths and using spears and arrows as weapons (a holdover from the book?). I don't care if the intent was to remove all vestiges of the Vietnam War for that sequence, which plays out almost as a fantasy through a mythic haze. There are apparently reviewers thinking that it is still set in the Vietnam War.

I can go on, I can even mention a lot of good things about the movie, but I'd rather rave about "Das Boot". If someone called it the greatest World War II movie of all time, I would probably agree (not being a connesiuer connesseur connesewer an expert on war movies). It's also one of the greatest anti-war movies of all time.

It's almost three and a half hours long and occupies two sides of the DVD. I thought I'd watch side one first, and then watch side two later, but at the end of side one, I flipped it over and watched the rest of it. The movie creates such a tension and momentum that there was no good place to turn it off (unless war dramas bore you).

It must have been intentional that not a single Nazi swastika is shown in the movie (there's a flag on the submarine when it's sailing out and into port, but it's furled so you never see the swastika). I haven't read anywhere that it was intentional, but it could be that it's just obvious, as well as the intent, which would be to focus the film on the human dimension, and to separate the subjects from the Nazi party.

Leave it to me to find something to cram into my last days before heading for the monastery. I have all these years of learning songs on guitar and that's all gonna be gone. If I actually end up joining the monastery, I could bring a guitar if I wanted, but the songs that I know on guitar wouldn't exactly fit in a setting of peace and mindfulness. The only song I can think of off the bat is "Better Things" by The Kinks, but like most guitar stores, NO STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN ALLOWED. I don't mind giving up playing guitar any more than quitting bass and drums. I never took guitar playing seriously, so I was never good at it. Unlike bass and drums, which I DID take seriously and still wasn't good at.

So I've been making little mpegs of me playing the songs that I know for posterity. I'll leave them in a trunk that I'm gonna lock with all my really personal stuff - photos, journals, war medals, porn, letters, elementary school report cards, Nobel Prize, pet rock. I'm shooting them all over my parents' house, which one day I hope will pass for kitschy, but currently it's just embarassing and I wouldn't ever invite people over. Although I admit most people are good about it and find it fascinating. I have to shoot several in various closets filled with my mother's clothes, much of which still have pricetags on them! Oh dear.

I actually broke a Memory Stick doing this project. How the hell do you break a Memory Stick? But I bought it a few days ago, so I shouldn't have any problem bringing it back and saying it's damaged.

Cold weather = spiders moving indoors. I've gotten really good at the "not killing things" thing. Not even that spider I found crawling along the front of my shirt while brushing my teeth. Admittedly the little bugger was like half a centimeter big, and no freakage was involved.

The internet is really awesome, and blogging is also really awesome. There is just such an array of ideas and opinions the world over, depending on cultures and contexts and education and exposure and experience. Blogging emphasizes the right of everybody who has an internet connection to express their opinion and put it out there. Everyone has a right to allow comments and start a dialogue, even getting belligerent and offensive, everyone has a right to disallow comments and make their expression unilateral.

On the other hand it also promotes the right of anyone to prove they are dead wrong.

Damn, the days are counting down fast towards lift-off.

*hyperventilates*

I'm glad that my parents are on vacation and won't be around when I leave, but not having them around makes it difficult to discipline my days. I'm glad I pushed back my departure date to next Friday instead of this Monday or Tuesday. Reality strikes.

Me and Cath'lic brother went down to Philadelphia this weekend to visit Married With Child brother, even though I saw Married With Child brother just a week ago. I took advantage of this second trip to Philly and dialed up Oberlin friend, Valerie and met up with her for a few hours. After shedding so many good college friends, I need to hold on to the few who are left.

I finally got my absentee ballot from San Francisco. I'm not too smart, so I couldn't figure out beforehand that it would have been better to register and vote in New Jersey, a swing state, than vote as a San Franciscan, which is no-contest Democratic. Ralph Nader was on a late night talk show not long ago. The Green Party had the sense to not support him, realizing that this election really is different; too bad he didn't. He said all the things that would make me vote for him, but standing on principle is one thing. Being clueless as to reality is another. If Kerry wins, I swear I will vote Green from now on as long as they have an intelligent, eloquent candidate, but I wonder about Nader now.

Ug. You know you got it bad when the hardest you've laughed in the last five years is while watching Conan O'Brien. And considering I lived in San Francisco, I didn't get Conan O'Brien for 4 years and 8 months of the last five years.

Film analysis: Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter...and Spring

After the third viewing, I think I finally got most of the main points in the movie, Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter...and Spring. I assume anyone who reads this who hasn't seen the film by now, won't see it, so I'm not spoiling anything. Besides, this is interpretation. And this entire post is geek-wank, so anyone who hasn't seen the film wouldn't want to read any further anyway, so I can go on at length.

+ A leading point of confusion was "who was the woman at the end, and what's the significance of keeping who she is from the audience, even when the monk unveils her and discovers who she is?". I think the woman is the reincarnation of the old monk, and here's why:
--- The first clue is the use of the snake to symbolize the old monk (they slither away from the burning boat and are in his discarded clothes). At key points with the woman, when the question is strongest who she is, the director cuts to a shot of snakes.
--- Immediately after the young monk unveils the woman, there is a shot of a stone Buddha over the hole she fell in, that's a connection between the woman and a Buddha, and there's also a shot of the head of the ice Buddha floating in the stream. The ice Buddha represents the old monk because after the young monk carved it, he placed the precious stones of the old monk (more on that later) into its forehead (third eye). The ice head floating in the stream represents that it is also the now-dead woman.
--- The timeline is perfect for this theory. The old monk dies after the young monk is taken away to prison. If he's reincarnated as a woman, she would easily be in child-bearing years by the time the young monk gets out of prison 20-25 years later or whatever the minimum sentence for murder is in Korea. I'm assuming he gets out as soon as he's eligible because of good behavior.
--- The reason why the audience is never shown the woman's face is because if this theory is right, it would ruin the film to make it visually obvious. It's something for the audience to figure out using symbolic, visual cues. It's a little bit like Luke removing Darth Vader's mask. George Lucas ruined the film for me (for the 68th time at that point) by forcing an image, any image, of Anakin on us. It would have been so much more effective (and good film) if all we got was Luke's reaction shot. The audience's imagination would do the rest to move itself to tears, but Lucas assumes his audience has no imagination. And given the popularity of the extended "Star Wars" franchise, he's probably right. I digress.

+ With the theory that the woman is the reincarnation of the old monk, that begs further questions about the old monk's death. What was the old monk's suicide about? Why did he mimic the young monk's suicide attempt?
--- One interpretation is that the old monk knew exactly what he was doing. When the young monk is being taken away, the old monk "holds" the boat until the young monk turns around so that he could wave goodbye to him, knowing this was the last time they would see each other in this life. Then he lets the boat go. He then goes and dies, knowing he'll come back after the young monk gets out of prison.
--- I think there's also an atonement aspect to his death, which is why he mimics the young monk's attempted suicide with the pieces of paper over his face with the word "shut" written on them. All that has happened to the young monk is very much of himself as well, there's no duality. All the suffering the young monk has gone through and caused, in particular the person the young monk murdered, is directly linked to the old monk. The young monk is sent off to prison to pay his debt to society for the murder, but the old monk gives his life to pay off the karmic debt of the young monk. That's the compassion and selflessness of a bodhisattva.
--- It's important to understand the difference between the young monk attempting suicide and the old monk's doing it. The old monk beats the young monk for trying to do it because he knows the sources of the act - attachment, desire, suffering, torment, escape - and that he will end up worse off if he succeeded. He's in a karmic Catch-22 and his solution is to kill a(nother) living being, as if one wasn't bad enough. On the other hand, a hard part to understand, is that when the old monk does it, he doesn't kill himself. An enlightened being can't kill him or herself because there is no self to kill. That's what enlightenment means - it's a profound understanding, realization, and manifestation that there is no self that is separate from everything else in the universe. The self doesn't die, it can't be created, and it can't be killed because the idea of self that we unenlightened humans have is gone or radically altered and doesn't apply anymore.
--- A corollary to that is that the woman doesn't "die" either. It's the monk completing his commitment to the young monk.

So explicating the Winter sequence:
The young monk is released from prison and returns to the monastery. Immediately upon arrival, he walks to where the sunken boat is and bows to his master as if he knew exactly what happened after he was taken away. How does he know? It is his insight from having attained perfection (not enlightenment) while in prison. His perfection is depicted in his complete control of body and mind with the martial arts sequences and the ice Buddha carving. He picks through the ice where his master's remains are and digs out the precious stones and gems that he knows are there. That's a Buddhist thing, the belief (and some say documented fact) is that when a fully enlightened being dies, he or she leaves behind precious stones and gems in their remains after cremation.

When he sees the woman's face, he realizes it's the reincarnation of his master, and that is the catalyst for his enlightenment. Everything comes together and he returns to the very beginning with the stone tied to his back, only this time he ties it there himself and begins his ascent bearing the weight of all suffering (which I think may also be a Christ image, as Kim Ki-Duk is Christian), while carrying the Buddha of Compassion, Avalokiteshvara. His reaching the top is attaining enlightenment. What is enlightenment? It's sitting back at the monastery with a new disciple abusing a poor turtle.

I borrowed a bunch of DVDs from my brother in Philly. What's wrong with that guy that he doesn't have DVDs that I'm interested in that are less than two hours long? Das Boot (Director's Cut), Apocalypse Now Redux, and The Seven Samurai, which I've seen before, clock in at over three hours!

I've already watched Pulp Fiction and Boogie Nights, both 2 and a half hours, and tonight I watched A Beautiful Mind, Oscar Winner for best picture in 2001. Bleah! I actually wasn't thrilled with "Boogie Nights" either, but I can cut that one some slack for a good effort, it certainly wasn't bad. But a two and a half hour subject matter, "Boogie Nights" is not.

No, my ire is saved for "A Beautiful Mind" because it did win the Oscar. In general, Hollywood is not my taste, so chances are that anything coming out of Hollywood is not going to score high in my book. But I thought that "the best" film out of Hollywood in a given year could at least elicit a nod of approval. But it's with a sneer that I say I can see why "A Beautiful Mind" won the Oscar.

The first hour of the film was mush that barely kept my interest and I was going to turn it off if it didn't get my attention soon. Now I'm not one to turn off a film in the middle, but at 2 hours and 15 minutes, I'll learn. And it did get my attention, it started getting interesting with the story twist. That lasted about 40 minutes, and then the film degenerates until it reaches the Hollywood schlock ending with music straight from "Field of Dreams" (except that it worked in "Field of Dreams"), and my finger down my throat.

Talk about a sawdust cake. So superficial. With a pretty good but not brilliant performance by Russel Crowe, who I like. There's really no reason why we should like the character, and all the suggestion and innuendo that he's a genius has to be taken on faith because it sure isn't explained. Even the breakthrough moment when he hits upon the theory for which he eventually won the Nobel Prize in Economics is unnoteworthy. Leading up to the scene, he's portrayed as a crackpot. So when it happens, it just looks like more of him being a crackpot.

Show me a beautiful mind and I'll throw a tomato at it.

My parents left today for vacation. I have the house to myself for three weeks (unless I leave for the monastery first). I am currently blasting Pink Floyd's "The Wall Live 1980-1981" at an ungodly volume. AND singing along (which I only do when I'm damn sure no one can hear me). No, I can't really hit the high notes. Yes, I can do the screams.

And I set up my bass drum and snare in the basement. I haven't played since December, and if I set up any more than that, I'm sure I'd end up hurting my wrists.

You'd think you wouldn't forget something like . . . a season. Autumn to be precise. In San Francisco, the change to Autumn was subtle - maybe a whiff in the air, and the fog stops being so relentless - quite nice, actually. But here, I forgot how the light patterns completely change, the shadows, the angle of the sun, and of course there's the chill and the necessity of closing windows at night (even though in San Francisco, I had to close the windows at night all year round). It's sorta exciting. But it's a love-hate thing. You love how it feels right now, with lungfuls of crisp, cool air, a relief from the Summer heat, but it sucks letting Summer go. That crisp, cool air is Winter's hand on your shoulder. Autumn is Summer dying, lovely and fading.

When I lived here last, I was in high school. On a day like today, at right about this time of day, maybe cross-country would be ending (until I got kicked off the team after having passed out during a race in Van Cordlandt Park in the Bronx). I would have changed and would be hanging out in the gym lobby, goofing off with teammates who were waiting for their rides to pick them up. Or maybe I would have had Jazz/Rock rehearsal down in the art center. At 5:30, the singers would probably start drifting out once their songs were done, but the band would still be jamming horribly. Early in high school, I'd call for someone to pick me up. Sometimes someone would give me a ride. I think I walked a few times. It was only a mile, but it wasn't fun lugging a bass up the hill. In later years, I think I drove a lot, parking off-campus on local streets.

But it's time to move on, and I'll be heading for the monastery near San Diego at the end of October. Exactly one year after my first visit there. The weather should be nice, and for once I'm not dreading the end of Daylight Savings and November. I'll be joining them halfway through their 3-month Winter Retreat, which they shifted to the Autumn because the head honcho, who is living in exile in France from Vietnam, recently got permission to return. It's pretty big deal and he will be going to Vietnam in January, along with a good portion of the San Diego monks, but not all, so I think I'll be able to just stay there. I don't know, I'm playing it by ear and have no idea what will eventually happen.

I got a new 2 lb., 3-season sleeping bag and Teva's today for the monastery. Why did I throw away my old decrepit Birks when I was packing to leave San Francisco? Shows the kind of judgment I was applying at the time. And I dug out my brother's dusty external frame backpack out of the basement, so I'm starting to look the part. I'm expecting to be pretty minimal there. I'll take my digital camera, but not plan to use it unless I decide to leave, at which point I'll take portraits of the monks. I'm still undecided on a CD player for the train ride across the country. That will depend on room. The only luxury item I'm allowing myself are my binoculars and a planisphere (star chart) for star-gazing, and hopefully I can strap a tripod to the backpack. Yup, time to shift the paradigm.