Kaohsiung, Taiwan
Yea, so I walked away from Deer Park with a lot of negative baggage, and then continued to foment that negativity about Deer Park, Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Plum Village system, forgetting that I really connected with those people, that they really cared and tried to push me towards what my own heart was saying. They weren't trying to make the monastic path hard, they weren't trying to suck me in against my will, all they wanted was for me to listen to my own heart to make the right decision for myself. I can't even think of when I got such support in anything before.

I sent an email to the Deer Park office administrator just to touch base, and he sent a reply that blew me away. My message was kind of informal, "hey, how ya doin'?", but his reply indicated that he read every word and he responded to every thing I mentioned I was up to. His reply said, "You matter, and I'm listening to everything you say". And this person isn't even a monastic, just someone who works for the community, but experiences it five days a week and is steeped in it.

I write about my critical mind and my cultometer. Deer Park is not the cult. The cult-like behavior is in my family members who are trying to distract me from the path. They're the ones with an agenda and give no regard to what I want or who I am. Deer Park is just saying that they like me, they see that my practice has potential, and their gates are open for me when I'm ready, but if I decide against it, they support any continuation of my practice, as long as it is in furtherance of peace, compassion, and mindful living.

My parents are the only evil ones. My uncle doesn't want me to be a monk just because he doesn't understand. He's simple. My cousin told me he doesn't want me to become a monk because he loves me, that's his way of showing his love. I said that's twisted. "Why?" He's showing his love by going against what I want to do? Thanks, but I get enough of that kind of love from my parents. She smiled said she'd tell her father (my uncle) that.

My cousin has mixed feelings. I think she feels it would be an honor to have a family member become a monk. At the same time, I think she feels she would be losing me. As a monk, we couldn't have the same relationship we have now. We couldn't spend time like we do now. And it forecloses any future where we can be closer. I understand her feelings, I even share them, and that's why she's also a distraction. And I need to be clear. I am pursuing this path. I don't know if I'll complete it, but I have to pursue it, arrow shot straight and true.

She really appreciates my being here, that I've helped her a lot and helped get her practice back on track a little bit to deal with her daily stresses. She really wishes I could stay longer. But then I realized and told her that the benefit she got from my being here was the result of my practice with the Deer Park monastics. To interrupt the schedule I've set for myself to continue my development and transformation in order to be with her to help her out would render those benefits meaningless. That's not logical, but it's true, and I'm glad when I told her that, she understood the meaning without trying to make me explain it. The practice is on another level. It's a circle that needs to be completed. She knows to interrupt it would be wrong for whatever reason.

I need to be adamant, I need to be disciplined, and I need resolve. I'm going back to Deer Park soon, and I need to make my travel arrangements. Taiwan is an illusion. It's not reality. It's a vacation. And my cousin? . . . hasn't been a part of my life for years.