Strange, a week after I arrived at the monastery in October, we had a College Students Retreat. Now, a week after I arrived at the monastery this time, we had a College Students Retreat. Both retreats felt great and were energizing. The first one was not indicative of what was to come, and I suppose that this one isn't, too.
So I'm supposedly an aspirant now. You'd think that as an aspirant, the community would have a vested interest in me. It sure doesn't feel like it. Maybe it's a test, but after what I perceive as the last test they put me to in becoming an aspirant, a rather costly test financially I might add, mind you, I'm really not in the mood. I'm not in the mood for games and I'm thinking what I see is what I'm getting. And what I'm getting is a cold shoulder from the Vietnamese monks. I don't feel welcome by the community in a Sangha that emphasizes community. I feel welcome by a clique composed of the Western monks. At worst, they completely and simply blow me off. At best, they'll answer a direct question. It bothered me for a few days, but now I don't care. What I see is what I get, but I'm putting it all down and not letting it bother me. I'm here for a purpose, and I'm going to follow through with that purpose without their help or not.
So for ordination, I came up with two criteria I mentioned: 1) Full heart into it, and 2) joyfully. On the immediate aspirant path now, my only question is whether I'm sincerely on it. Am I sincerely here in exploration and pursuit of monastic ordination? I don't have the answer right now, but that's the immediate question I'm working on, giving 'yes' the benefit of doubt. If the answer becomes clearly no, I'm not sincere about it, I have to leave immediately and not waste the monks' time and resources.
The College Students Retreat was great because of the young, fresh energy. The feedback they gave us was wildly positive, and it was refreshing hearing that they were getting so much out of being at Deer Park for a weekend and joining the practice. They were glowing by Sunday from leaving the rush and tumult of their student lives behind for a weekend, from the clean, crisp mountain air and beautiful surroundings, from the positive energy and easy smiles of the monastics, from the slow, easy pace of monastic practice.
Group walking meditation during the College Students Retreat, Sunday morning.
We don't have another retreat until late May, which is great. One stressful memory I have from my earlier stay at the monastery was something like three retreat weekends practically in a row. I think I'm better equiped to handle something like that now, though.
This week, I think the monastics will be coming up with a new daily schedule, so things will get back to normal pretty soon. My cousin returned to Taiwan, so now I can focus on getting disciplined and practicing diligently. I'm already back on a strict sitting regimen that I intend to maintain, alone if not with the community. I'm also planning on giving learning Japanese one last shot, self-study just for myself, to do what I've been blocked from doing for over 20 years. I also hope to spend at least one shift in the kitchen every day whenever there is a Western monk on the cooking team for the day. I'm going to try to break down the block I have about cooking, too, even if it's just by chopping for the next however many months. I'm also going to try to be less obsessive about getting on the internet and cutting back on coffee, which already looks to be a woeful failure.
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