San Diego, CA
Almost back to the monastery. My departure from Taiwan was a bit of a flurry with my cousin being in the hospital, and us reaching some intimate, mutual space regarding our respective practices.

My cousin and I met 25 years ago when we were kids. My parents sent me and my brothers to Taiwan for the Summer, and in my memory, we were absolute terrors, fighting all the time. For my cousin, our presence contributed to what she describes as the "worst Summer of her life". I remember (and regret) being particularly mean to her, but she reports that I was not the worst of it. Her older brother already made her life miserable, and she was a crier. She cried at everything, all the time, driving people nuts (the way her two year old does now). The presence of me and my brothers made things worse, but it's not like we were disturbing some family paradise. It was just more of what she was used to. She also reports that my oldest brother tormented her more than I did, which sort of makes me feel better.

I wouldn't have been surprised if she hated me for the rest of my life, that when we got older she would be completely cold to me, spit in my face if the chance arrived. The chance arrived only three years later when I was spending a Summer with relatives in Japan, and we decided to go to Taiwan. I was worried and anxious about seeing my cousin again, I was so sure she hated me. (reading between the lines: why was I so worried and anxious about seeing a cousin I gleefully tormented three years earlier?). But when I saw her, she smiled at me, she was very friendly towards me, she was even happy to see me. It was mutual affection and we spent a good amount of time together, not that I remember directly, but I extrapolate from the photographic evidence.

And speaking of the photographic evidence, I was a walking 80s fashion crime. I was mortified to see photos from back then. I wore Adidas shorts that ran way up high on the thigh, matching but color clashing Adidas shirts, athletic socks pulled all the way up, and sweatbands on both wrists and on my head. AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I've been trying to figure out how much I'd be willing to pay for her to destroy all those photos. My cousin reports that after that visit, she went out and got sweatbands!

We didn't see each other again until we were in college, and our relationship over the next decade was constantly developing, constantly in flux, and constantly being re-tread, as we tended to block things out of each time we met.

Presently, our relationship is more solid than it's ever been, no more blocking things out is foreseen. Our respective practices are a focal point of our good relationship. Our good and healthy relationship now is also due to her having given birth to Pie and Gracie, which she did at home, both natural. Those experiences took her being to a new level, gave her a confidence that she didn't have before, and I can also tell that she is a different person now (I hadn't seen her since before she gave birth). My being on the monastic path is also a contributing factor, as I'm anticipating the training being for me what having Pie and Gracie was to her.

I think of her as being a part of my practice now, not attaching to her, but gleaning encouragement and support from her. When it comes to practice, she has a lot of wisdom and insight, and what we've discussed over the past two months has been invaluable. I'm anticipating a large part of my training being transforming my spiritually debilitating negativity, and her encouragement and support represents something positive from the front end.

And it's mutual, she says. She attributes my visit to Taiwan to bringing her back to her dormant practice. Raising two kids attentively under the best conditions can be a torrent in the storm, and saying that Pie is a handful is an understatement. I noticed that she didn't have a meditation bell in her practice room in her house, so when I was in Taipei, I ended up on a street with store upon store of practice/worship paraphernalia and picked up a modest-sized bell for her. I think she was really happy that I got it for her, and just a couple days before I left, after she got out of the hospital, we sat together for the first time in her practice room, and she said it was the best sitting she's ever had. Ever. That kind of embarassed me because it's not like I could think I had anything to do with it, but she said it was the calmest and most focused sitting she's had with the best energy.

So now we're walking on our respective paths, supporting and encouraging each other. I should be back at Deer Park within the next few days, and I'm a little apprehensive because of changes in the past two months, but also more confident because of those changes.