I left the monastery to come to my brother's wedding, but then instead of going to Plum Village, I proposed to the monks that I stay out for 3-5 months to get clear on my path before going to Plum Village. But I got no feedback or guidance from the monks until too late, and by the time I left Deer Park, I felt I was leaving for good, and would only return under dire circumstances. The set up for me to leave under those conditions is my karma.

Two weeks away from Deer Park, I have still have no desire to return. I track my days thinking what would be going on at Deer Park, and I'm actually glad I'm not there. I don't feel that it was any loss that I interpreted the signs to indicate that I was to leave. This isn't the end of the story, of course, as I'm staying at my parents house and have yet to engage the tedium and meaningless responsibilities of material life that was part of why I ended up at the monastery in the first place. But whether I end up at Plum Village or not, I recognize that I'm looking for my true path, and I made no obligation to the monks that I would ordain in the Plum Village system.

The prevailing feeling these days has been that maybe I'm not ready to stop. Stop. That's what it was at Deer Park. We were able to stop. Wonderfully stop. It was freedom to stop. Stop and be happy, to cultivate peace, compassion, and understanding in our minds. Demons aside, I'm feeling I'm not ready for that environment because I'm still finding a lot in not stopping. In moving. There's still so much to learn. Earlier this week I went in to New York to the American Museum of Natural History and any exhibit could have been a meditation. I used to think those dioramas of the African Savannah were so cheesy, but with a little imagination and visualization, there's a whole world to scratch right there. Another time, another place, another lifetime, another set of genetics, evolution, the life cycle. Visualize the diorama extending beyond the walls and glass case until I'm in the setting, imagine the sounds, the temperature, the air, be there, be the animal, predator or prey, this is our natural history, this is our planet, and my spiritual yearnings embrace and engage it. There is a place for the mountaintop or the desert, it is a definite part of spiritual evolution. But maybe I'm not done suffering yet. Wonderful suffering. To cycle through a thousand lifetimes as predator or prey, hunt or hunted, kill and eat meat, taste blood. A hundred thousand lifetimes as an ant, the significance of my life being wasted on snotty-nosed kids whose first impulse upon seeing me is to squash me - which is fine, helps me get through the hundred thousand lifetimes quicker. On and on, and the Earth hurdles around the sun. Don't even get me started on dinosaurs. Wow!