Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Thanksgiving Retreat
I’m exhausted. Worn down. I’m so glad this weekend’s Thanksgiving Retreat is over. Nothing bad, nothing really negative, just that I let it all catch up with me. On Thursday, Thanksgiving, we had a community day that we call “Day of Mindfulness” when families and practitioners come up to enjoy being at the monastery, and the afternoon activity was making hundreds of eggrolls that get hand delivered to the monastery’s neighbors, who are pretty good about the traffic the monastery generates. They do it every year and the neighbors apparently appreciate it.



So I was already tired by the time retreatants started arriving steadily on Friday. The sudden influx of people made me want to withdraw, but I had to help out with hospitality, walking people to their rooms and chatting to get them in the relaxed mode of the monastery.

Saturday:
Saturday was predictably a bit of a madhouse. Morning sitting in the Meditation Hall was guided to accommodate people who were new-ish to the practice, so one of the monks would speak every five to ten minutes. It was morning sitting lite, but the change in energy with so many people was nice. Meals were minor ordeals, but things went smoothly with two Dharma talks in the morning and mass walking meditation. I chatted with some people, but you don’t get good conversations out of weekend retreatants. In fact, one one-sided conversation was damn near excruciating, but once I realized this person just wanted to talk and talk and talk, I just let him. I realized I didn’t have a pressing need to contribute to the conversation, inject ego, and if he enjoyed talking, I was happy just listening.

Saturday night, though, I finally shut down. After dinner, we had a “be in” in the dining hall, a fun community time with skits and songs. I withdrew. At first, I withdrew by joining the kitchen clean-up crew. Then I stood off on the sides, munching on ginger snaps and mint oreos. Then I finally left, having completely lost my mindfulness. Everyone was having fun, it was a party, it felt good, a respectful space to share and express. But it wasn’t home, so I left. I’m always searching for that feeling of home. I need to be more aware of that always searching for that feeling of home. The friends, the company, the music, the activity, the place, myself. Always: is this home? This monastery and monastic community feels like home. But not all the time.

Today:
Most everyone left, and I’m relieved. All the energy that built up from having so many people up here got released.

Happinesses of the day:
- clear, cool, crisp dawn, walking to morning sitting, after a night of pouring rain
- walking up some steps to the dining hall, I paused when I heard a bell because that’s what we do at this monastery. An older nun behind me, not hearing the bell, not knowing why I stopped, and thinking I was a nun, put her hands on my butt because I was blocking her way. A senior monk was right behind her. I like that nun, she’s funny, and we had a good laugh about it.
- Thinking about the song “Secret World” from the “Secret World Live” DVD during walking meditation.
- Horsing around with Brother H*i and (flirting with?) Natalie, a “regular”.
- Hearing that guest Jennifer will be trying to come up for a week long visit within the next few weeks. Good conversations usually happen with week-long guests.
- J*ost (pronounced ‘Yoast’) and Robin, a couple from Holland who frequent Plum Village and Deer Park. They’re here for a couple more weeks, and I have feeling they might be listed as a happiness every day until they leave.
- Running the Engellman Oak trail bathed in orange sunset light.
- avocados, omelet eggs, and rice