Submitted:
Final Draft Letter for the Purpose of Presentation to the Community

Dear Thay, dear respected Sangha,

I am writing this letter because the community is still unclear about whether I am an aspirant or not. I felt that I was, and I expressed it as clear as I was able to in my previous letter. However, it was brought to my attention that I did not specifically request aspirancy, and therefore I led myself to believe that I am not considered an aspirant.

I have been meditating on the issue, and I considered the possibility of simply writing a letter requesting aspirancy, but realized there is a deeper issue why I did not directly and specifically request aspirancy in the first letter. To write a letter requesting aspirancy simply to fulfill the technical requirement would not address the issue.

It is now my highest aspiration here to be able to unequivocally request monastic aspirancy, however, the inspiration is not coming to me. My heart is not telling me that is what it wants me to do, even though I enjoy being with this community more than any I have experienced before in my life, and believe in what this community is doing.

I also have not had any inspiration to feel that I can attain that clarity of aspiration by continuing on with the status quo here at Deer Park or at Plum Village (nor has the community indicated that it is willing to support my going to Plum Village under these circumstances).

I am therefore requesting that I be allowed to stay at Deer Park until I leave for my brother’s wedding in July. After the wedding, however, I am considering not going immediately to Plum Village, but to spend 3-5 months in the material world with a focus on looking at what is there in order to clarify my monastic aspiration.

Of course, I have experienced the material world already, and that is partially what has brought me to the monastery in the first place, but I feel taking a good look at it once more might help sharpen my focus and clarify for me what I really want to do. When I arrived at Deer Park in October 2004, I had already been unemployed for about 20 months. So for almost two years, I had not been engaged in material life to directly experience the futility of it, and that has obscured my appreciation of the fulfillment of monastic life.

I welcome and request the community’s feedback and advice in regard to delaying going to Plum Village for 3-5 months. I realize that the final decision is my own, but I would like to know where the community’s support and blessing would lie either way, and what the consequences might be.

With deep gratitude and respect,
Koji Li
June 5, 2005, Deer Park Monastery