Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
We had a successful Young Adults Retreat last weekend. *YAWN* The last thing I want to write about is last weekend's retreat.

The retreat ended on Memorial Day, Monday, which is our Lazy Day (not all monasteries have or agree with having Lazy Days - what are we doing that is so hard that we need a break day?), so we decided to have our Lazy Day on Tuesday. Really, what a lax bunch. I ended up talking with one of the monks during the morning, and the idea came up for me not to go to Plum Village right away after my brother's wedding. Mind you, this monk is not my mentor, doesn't know a whole lot about me or my situation, and just recently fully ordained. I did most of the talking.

I don't know what happened that morning, maybe a light shone down on me, finally realizing what my mentor has been trying to tell me about being clear in my aspiration. I've been flaky about it, although to be fair to myself, I was probably keeping myself from freaking out. I've been saying I'm practicing in the here and now, and that's the only thing that's important. I can't tell what's going to happen in the future, so I can't project on it. Right now, I'm practicing as an aspirant. When it is time to ordain, I will know then whether or not I will ordain or not.

Now I'm starting to appreciate that aspirancy is a definite feeling and there should be a clarity about it. Fog up a bathroom mirror, take a cloth and wipe it clear. That's the feeling. That's the feeling I need to get to if I want to ordain.

I don't know how the realization or the idea of leaving came to me during that conversation, but it occurred to me that leaving is what I might need to do to get that clarity. There are people who are drawn to monasticism because of the ideals of helping all sentient beings. It is a proactive drive to become a monk, and a belief that they can help people by becoming a monk. Other people are more pushed to monasticism because of disillusionment of the material life, they want to renunciate and live peacefully and simply. Most people, I shouldn't wonder, are a combination of the two. I'm more of the latter. John Lennon was talking to me when he wrote, "You want to save humanity/But it's people that you just can't stand". OK, so there is a little bit of the former in me. In any case, I need to be clear about it and pursue it without hesitation, doubt, or flakiness.

I have to look at why I'm not clear on it right now. What is the quality of my being here, my current aspiration that makes it not clear and is causing me to be flaky about it? In what ways am I not clear? In what ways does it manifest that I'm not clear?

to be continued...