----- Original Message -----
From: me
To: a buttload of people
Sent: Friday, February 14, 2003 11:57 AM
Subject: So long, suckers

Well folks,
As you may have heard by now, at last month’s firm meeting, Barbara brought it to the partners’ attention that she did not believe I was working hard enough. Although I’m sure her intent was merely to express her opinion, a series of internal inquiries and investigations ensued, and the pressure has led me to the decision to step down from my position and leave the firm. To her credit, she didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition. Right, Barb, no one expected the Spanish Inquisition!

A man of few words, I part with no speeches, no words of wisdom, perhaps a (loving) raspberry at Barb, and a collection of e-mail chains that kept me amused through the ages that sums it up better than I ever could (I hope I get no one in trouble). Thanks to all:

#1 (August 9, 2000)
Sujoy:
Here is the skinny guys on the 7th floor. They want that populated at the latest by the 11th of September. It is our responsibliity to get a good clone ready to put on 30 GATEWAY systems that I am ordering next week. So let's finish up on the LATEST clone as soon as possible, because the GATEWAYS are coming in. I hope to place an order by next week. Sujoy

Barb:
Thank you but, I really don’t much care about the skinny guys on the 7th floor…now, if there were cute HUNKY guys on the 7th floor, you’d catch my attention (well, partially)…..Sincerely, Barb

Me:
No, no you silly bird, they’re going to populate the 7th floor with skinny guys. Read more carefully, Barb.

Jeptha:
Koji, Hate to nit pick, but they actually want to populate the 7th floor with skinny guy clones. Jeptha

#2 (February 22, 2002)
Katie:
Tracking 7917 8285 0856.

Katie:
Scratch the old tracking number. The correct one is 7924 9255 8836.

Me:
Whoa! Not even close.

Katie:
I had to do a new pack dork.

#3 (October 23, 2001)
Jordan:
Greg and Amy are hoarding the Oracle letterhead.

Amy:
It’s Greg. He likes to decorate his cube with it.

Greg:
Does anybody have any Oracle letterhead? I REALLY need it!

#4 (December 18, 2000)
Sophie:
Were you here at BAL last Christmas?

Me:
Yea, why?

Sophie:
do we get to get off early on Fri? (ha...)

Me:
I don't think so. Is that all?

Sophie:
yes...alright, thanks.

Me:
oh my god, that was the most boring e-mail exchange I've ever had!!!

Sophie:
I think that was very IMPORTANT and VALID email inquiry...should frame it!

#5 (January 24, 2001)
Sang:
I like my apartment. Its got nice hardwood floors...the kind where if you wear the right kind of socks you can skate around the room. I don't even walk anymore when I'm home.

Me:
Oh I love hardwood floors like that, I get down on my knees, put my face close and caress the floor with my cheeks and whisper, “oh money, oh money”

Sang:
What the hell is wrong with you?!

#6 (May 29, 2001)
Shunlonda:
Subject: Cold
Someone from the building is on the way to cut the air off. Shunlonda

Barb:
Yeah, thanks…who needs air.

#7
Barb:
Just a warm fuzzy reminder to please respect that we share the kitchen…do not leave your dishes in the sink. I am a bit disheartened since I came in this a.m. and took the time to empty the dishwasher, the dish drain and put someone else’s dishes in the dishwasher that were left from Friday I assume. By 8:30 am, there were more dishes left in the sink….even though the dishwasher and the dish drain were empty. Thank you for your positive response to this gentle urging to be respectful of others.

Me:
Bollocks!! Bollocks and yarbles!

Barb:
Bollocks, Rollocks, Ballocks, Bannocks, Nads, Nuts, Sacs, Bags, Niags, Beanbags, Boy Bags, Jizzbags, Knackers, Clackers, Maracas, Pods, Cods, Spuds, Tatties, Goolies, Googlies, Goerbals, Gonads, Testicles, Conkers, Cobblers, Chuckies, Urals, Balkans, Love Spheres, Seaman Spheres, Golden Globes, Family Jewels, Spunk Factories, Balls, Plums, Scrotes, Marbles, Yarbles, Yongles, Bangles, Love Spuds, Happy Sacs, Kossacks, Nuggets, Nik-Nax, Crackerjacks, Wedding Tackle, 2 Veg, Pills, Stones, Orchestras, Betties, Jacksons, Danglies, Backwheels, Wank Tanks and John Wayne's Hairy Saddle Bags.

#8 (August 14, 2001)
Despina:
"We could of taken a forfeited victory but chose to play. In our best game thus far we racked up ten runs, which is more than some teams get in two games. Still, it was one less than the other team scored. On a good note, we looked very professional in our new jerseys. Which leads me to an important David Lee Roth quote: “It’s not who wins or who loses, it’s who looks the best while they’re playing.” Definitely us."

What she meant:
We could of taken a forfeited victory but chose to play (We were beaten by a team that had fewer players than we did). In our best game thus far we racked up ten runs, which is more than our team got in the past two games. Still, it was one less than the other team scored. On a good note, we would look very professional in new jersey. Which leads me to an important David Lee Roth quote: “Bozy bozy bop, ziddy bop.” Definitely us.

#9
Theresa :
Has anyone considered that the date of the signature will precede the date of the stats in section 8?

Me:
Always the stick in the mud, aren’t you?

Theresa:
Actually it was eric that pointed this out….I just assumed credit knowing that all would be thrilled with the information.

Me:
Oh yes, it was much funnier coming from you. If Eric sent the exact same message, everyone would have thought he was just being facetious.

Eric:
Hey, for the record, I was just being facetious.

#10
Me:
Can I send this?:

Theresa:
Not yet. I want to think about this and maybe speak with Christine. One ad may be of more use than local ads. more tomorrow.

Me:
Okey dokey, Thanks! Speaking of ads, for some reason NC Microsoft comes to mind. I’m not sure why.

Theresa:
Micro who?

#11
Me to HelpDesk:
I get a message trying to get on all databases connections that says “Can’t attach to specified device”. I thought it was everyone, but one of my co-workers got on. Please, Help Desk, can you help me?

Dan:
What did you do?

Me:
I tried to log on the MSDB connections and then I spilled orange juice all over the inside of the computer through the CD-ROM and floppy disk drives and then shook vigorously by accident.

#12 (June 28, 2001)
Widmark:
Subject: One more big bug

Me:
One more big bug? The only big bug I know about is called “VisaBase”.

Greg Leventis:
Long live VisaBase! The Darth Vader of BAL. Actually, I don’t think it’s bad. It just has some stuff to work out and we have to get used to it. I’m really pretty impressed that our crew put together their own software. Peace and love,

Me:
That’s true, we just need to show some patience, tolerance, and understanding. If we hadn’t shown that towards Greg and judged him by how we first saw him, it would be our loss and we would be missing one really, really great person. Nay, dare I say . . . friend. I am proud to list Greg among my friends, along with VisaBase.

Greg:
Are you comparing ME to that shitty program!?!?

#13
Me to Finance:
We need to order a copy of this Sunday’s “Charlotte Observer”. I recall that ordering newspapers needs to be done through the finance department. Can you tell me to whom I make the request and any other special instructions?

Finance:
Never heard of that before...but all you have to do is purchase the paper(s), then submit an approved reimbursement request.

Me:
Thanks, but with what should we purchase the newspaper?

Finance:
Well, you can submit for a check request if they'll accept that, or use a credit card. Elva has a corporate card if that will help.

Me:
Yes, I would like to use the corporate card, is there a way I can access it.

Theresa:
I take no responsibility if you give Koji access to a corporate card!

Epilogue: Wayne to the rescue ordered the paper.

#14 (June 22, 2001)
Jordan:
A moment of silence for John Lee Hooker.

Greg:
Is john lee hooker dead?

Jordan:
No, Greg, he just wants some silence.

#15: (November 2, 2001)
Me:
Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that your I-140 petition has been approved.

Client:
It is what I can call a GOOD NEW for a quite Friday. You always were quick and sure responding my questions. It gave me an absolutely confidence I was in good hands. Thanks a lot for all your support during this process. I wish the best for you in your career.
Big Hug ,

Theresa:
Big Hug? We need to talk about appropriate professional relations with our clients. Did you miss that seminar?

#16
Joy Mandanas (and Dan Horne, and me, and Sang, and . . . ):
HEY CHECK OUT THIS SHOCKWAVE MOVIE!!

(it was a virus that took down our servers for a day or three, ed.)

#17 (January 4, 2001)
Zenaida (to me):
and speaking of cool people leaving....Debra was telling me you are seriously contemplating leaving...