Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Bracing myself in the calm before the storm. New Years Retreat is this weekend and people start arriving today. I'm pretty much recovered from the Christmas weekend retreat, but a lot more people are expected for the New Year. There are about 10-15 people here for several weeks because it's that time of year when people have time off from work.
We just had two days of torrential rain, and the sun finally came out, but a lot of clean up needs to be done. I'm in the office because I'm helping with hospitality, and I'll be "working" all day, so I think it's fine that I'm bowing out of work meditation. It's a hard life.
I'm usually good at socializing with guests who stay for longer periods of time, but there were several who arrived last week who I totally blocked out and acted as persona non sequitur around them. After Christmas Eve, I totally shut down socially, even to the monastics. Last week was just emotionally charged. The tone of the monastery shifted a little with the end of the 3-month monastics retreat, then my mentor left on Wednesday, then I told my parents that I was thinking of becoming a monk, then that Christmas Eve thing happened.
I pretty much have my grounding back now. I'm still dealing with the impasse I reached regarding the practice here and the idea of joining this community, and I'm writing another letter to the community that is more comprehensive in telling them where I'm coming from and what's on my mind and my aspirations towards becoming a monk here.
I'm thinking I will leave here when the monastics leave for Vietnam on January 9. I'm actually thinking of taking my parents up on their offer to send me to Taiwan. As long as I'm still hovering around the 99% certainty mark of becoming a monk here, I might as well grasp any other opportunity that is thrown at me or comes my way. So the tentative plan is to head back to New Jersey on my parents' frequent flyer miles, then figure out when to go to Taiwan, maybe from early February to late March, then return to New Jersey for a few more weeks and then return here in early April, 100% certain and on the aspirant path.
Things continuing happening and going with the flow, free in the stream.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas. We had our Christmas "be-in" last night. I think I've had enough of these social be-ins. As you might recall, I walked out of the Thanksgiving one because it was too social for me to maintain my practice.
I had actually planned to offer a song to the community last night, "Solsbury Hill", but it was not to be. Regarding my monastic path, everyone has been entreating me to express myself from the heart, and that was going to be it. Earlier this week, I submitted my second letter to the community expressing where I was in my monastic considerations, and I included the lyrics of Solsbury Hill, but without the background information about that song, I think the description in the song of someone making a life-changing decision was probably lost. And I doubt anyone here would know that song was written about Peter Gabriel's decision to leave Genesis to pursue a solo career and pay more attention to his family. So I was planning to introduce the song describing the path of my decision using key words and images from the lyrics to make the connection (not necessarily literal, direct connections, but more of an imprint or just a sense of the connection), and then go into the song without referring to the second letter, which in retrospect wasn't very good.
What had happened between submitting the second letter and last night's be-in was that I told my parents that I was considering becoming a monk, and they responded with dispassionate support. Basically they had no problem with it, and not that they have any say in my decisions, but it felt like a door opening to move forward.
In the end, through a series of possibly cosmically cruel, satiric debacles, whereby I almost made it to the stage twice to offer the song, I didn't. There were a few voices in my support to do the song, but in the end the MC's and other voices got their way to move on. I won't be putting myself through anything like that again, considering my considerable performance anxiety and the amount of energy and strain it takes to seriously consider performing solo in front of a crowd.
It was anti-climatic. No big pronouncement was made or suggested akin to what I was feeling, and the community is none the wiser as days count down to their leaving for Vietnam, and they are only left with my lackluster second letter which I'm sure they noted does not directly request aspirancy. My money will run out while they're in Vietnam and I'll have to leave anyway, so I'm considering my options otherwise. I'd only be able to come back after requesting and being accepted as an aspirant after they come back from Vietnam.
I won't go back to New Jersey to visit the 'rents. I offered to, but they said it wasn't necessary and instead they've been pushing for me to go travel in Taiwan. That, btw, is totally random and not worth commenting on, except that if I'm stuck running out of money and not feeling enthusiastically welcome in New Jersey, and they and my uncle in Taiwan are willing to foot the bill and put me up, I don't see why I wouldn't go. My guess is that they're hoping I'll run into a nice Taiwanese girl to fall in love with and settle down. It would be chuckle-worthy if it wasn't so idiotic.
I had actually planned to offer a song to the community last night, "Solsbury Hill", but it was not to be. Regarding my monastic path, everyone has been entreating me to express myself from the heart, and that was going to be it. Earlier this week, I submitted my second letter to the community expressing where I was in my monastic considerations, and I included the lyrics of Solsbury Hill, but without the background information about that song, I think the description in the song of someone making a life-changing decision was probably lost. And I doubt anyone here would know that song was written about Peter Gabriel's decision to leave Genesis to pursue a solo career and pay more attention to his family. So I was planning to introduce the song describing the path of my decision using key words and images from the lyrics to make the connection (not necessarily literal, direct connections, but more of an imprint or just a sense of the connection), and then go into the song without referring to the second letter, which in retrospect wasn't very good.
What had happened between submitting the second letter and last night's be-in was that I told my parents that I was considering becoming a monk, and they responded with dispassionate support. Basically they had no problem with it, and not that they have any say in my decisions, but it felt like a door opening to move forward.
In the end, through a series of possibly cosmically cruel, satiric debacles, whereby I almost made it to the stage twice to offer the song, I didn't. There were a few voices in my support to do the song, but in the end the MC's and other voices got their way to move on. I won't be putting myself through anything like that again, considering my considerable performance anxiety and the amount of energy and strain it takes to seriously consider performing solo in front of a crowd.
It was anti-climatic. No big pronouncement was made or suggested akin to what I was feeling, and the community is none the wiser as days count down to their leaving for Vietnam, and they are only left with my lackluster second letter which I'm sure they noted does not directly request aspirancy. My money will run out while they're in Vietnam and I'll have to leave anyway, so I'm considering my options otherwise. I'd only be able to come back after requesting and being accepted as an aspirant after they come back from Vietnam.
I won't go back to New Jersey to visit the 'rents. I offered to, but they said it wasn't necessary and instead they've been pushing for me to go travel in Taiwan. That, btw, is totally random and not worth commenting on, except that if I'm stuck running out of money and not feeling enthusiastically welcome in New Jersey, and they and my uncle in Taiwan are willing to foot the bill and put me up, I don't see why I wouldn't go. My guess is that they're hoping I'll run into a nice Taiwanese girl to fall in love with and settle down. It would be chuckle-worthy if it wasn't so idiotic.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
No posts this past busy week. Rainy Season Retreat ended for the monastics on Sunday, and we took three Lazy Days in a row (the nuns only took two, but you know how those lazy, shiftless monks are).
On Monday, we took a fieldtrip to Los Angeles to see the Body Worlds exhibit. I had heard of this exhibit when my brother lent me the book Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, but I never thought I'd have a chance to actually see it. In brief, for those too lazy to peruse the website, the exhibit is of actual human bodies that were preserved using a plasticization process. The exhibit is extensive with over 200 specimens, showing all of the human body's systems and organs, all plasticized from actual organic material. Deep. Heavy.
Anyway, for Christmas, I leave you the Deer Park version of the Twelve Days of Christmas (Everybody sing!!):
- On the first day of Christmas, the Sangha said to me, "The One contains the All"
- On the second day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the third day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the fourth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the fifth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS! Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the sixth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the seventh day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the eighth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the ninth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the tenth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: eleven nuns a-cooking, Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the twelfth day of Christmas the Sangha offered me: Twelve Linked Chain of Interdependent Co-Origination, eleven nuns a-cooking, Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the ONE CONTAINS THE ALL
No posts this past busy week. Rainy Season Retreat ended for the monastics on Sunday, and we took three Lazy Days in a row (the nuns only took two, but you know how those lazy, shiftless monks are).
On Monday, we took a fieldtrip to Los Angeles to see the Body Worlds exhibit. I had heard of this exhibit when my brother lent me the book Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, but I never thought I'd have a chance to actually see it. In brief, for those too lazy to peruse the website, the exhibit is of actual human bodies that were preserved using a plasticization process. The exhibit is extensive with over 200 specimens, showing all of the human body's systems and organs, all plasticized from actual organic material. Deep. Heavy.
Anyway, for Christmas, I leave you the Deer Park version of the Twelve Days of Christmas (Everybody sing!!):
- On the first day of Christmas, the Sangha said to me, "The One contains the All"
- On the second day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the third day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the fourth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the fifth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS! Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the sixth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the seventh day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the eighth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the ninth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the tenth day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Sangha offered me: eleven nuns a-cooking, Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the One contains the All
- On the twelfth day of Christmas the Sangha offered me: Twelve Linked Chain of Interdependent Co-Origination, eleven nuns a-cooking, Ten Novice Precepts, nine monks a-lazing, the Eightfold Path, Seven Factors of Awakening, Six Paramitas, FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS, Four Noble Truths, Three Dharma Seals, Two Promises, and the ONE CONTAINS THE ALL
Friday, December 17, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Incredible. That little situation that was the source of such negativity might be over. All it took was patient mindfulness and some willingness for a solution to manifest. Just a few days ago I was feeling any monastic aspiration might be over if I couldn’t deal with something so petty. Then last night, sleeping in the tea room to avoid another sleepless night, this time due to someone else’s snoring, I realized what I needed to do and how to do it.
And I hate to say this, but a lot of it had to do with timely words by Thich Nhat Hanh. I’m not into hero worship, or teacher worship, as it may be, which is fairly prevalent in Asian cultures. People who quote Thich Nhat Hanh around here drive me crazy because it stinks of cult-like behavior. If you’re talking to me or sharing during Dharma discussions, don’t quote Thich Nhat Hanh to me. I want to know what your thoughts are, you talk to me and not through Thich Nhat Hanh quotes. If you’re drawing on something inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh, then tell me what it meant to you, and how you interpreted it to gain meaning for yourself.
So back to the situation, I had formulated solutions prior, but they might not have come across as compassionate, and in the terminology of practice, those might not have been the most skillful means for solving the problem. I won’t go into detail, being mindful of who might end up reading this, but this morning I got a moment with a person relevant to this issue, and expressed my “suffering”, as described by Thich Nhat Hanh, and proposed a solution in the form of a request (I didn’t mention that I already had the wheels of that solution turning).
It went well, and although the substance of any issues weren’t addressed, it seems any immediate tensions might have been dissipated. Oddly, I hear my pride grumbling in the corner. In secular life, if I had tensions with someone, I’d most likely not see any need to address the negativity and let it fester. And here I am doing something indicative of an internal transformation. Compassion, reaching out, skillful means. I didn’t think I had it in me, and my pride would rather I didn’t have it in me, thus the grumbling. Oh, my pride is calling me names now, it just called me a pansy-ass wimp-face. I have to go sic my maturity on my pride.
This is not to suggest this is the end of the story.
Incredible. That little situation that was the source of such negativity might be over. All it took was patient mindfulness and some willingness for a solution to manifest. Just a few days ago I was feeling any monastic aspiration might be over if I couldn’t deal with something so petty. Then last night, sleeping in the tea room to avoid another sleepless night, this time due to someone else’s snoring, I realized what I needed to do and how to do it.
And I hate to say this, but a lot of it had to do with timely words by Thich Nhat Hanh. I’m not into hero worship, or teacher worship, as it may be, which is fairly prevalent in Asian cultures. People who quote Thich Nhat Hanh around here drive me crazy because it stinks of cult-like behavior. If you’re talking to me or sharing during Dharma discussions, don’t quote Thich Nhat Hanh to me. I want to know what your thoughts are, you talk to me and not through Thich Nhat Hanh quotes. If you’re drawing on something inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh, then tell me what it meant to you, and how you interpreted it to gain meaning for yourself.
So back to the situation, I had formulated solutions prior, but they might not have come across as compassionate, and in the terminology of practice, those might not have been the most skillful means for solving the problem. I won’t go into detail, being mindful of who might end up reading this, but this morning I got a moment with a person relevant to this issue, and expressed my “suffering”, as described by Thich Nhat Hanh, and proposed a solution in the form of a request (I didn’t mention that I already had the wheels of that solution turning).
It went well, and although the substance of any issues weren’t addressed, it seems any immediate tensions might have been dissipated. Oddly, I hear my pride grumbling in the corner. In secular life, if I had tensions with someone, I’d most likely not see any need to address the negativity and let it fester. And here I am doing something indicative of an internal transformation. Compassion, reaching out, skillful means. I didn’t think I had it in me, and my pride would rather I didn’t have it in me, thus the grumbling. Oh, my pride is calling me names now, it just called me a pansy-ass wimp-face. I have to go sic my maturity on my pride.
This is not to suggest this is the end of the story.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
I’m doing a little better with the negativity. A bunch of little lessons popped up throughout the day indirectly addressing it, trying to teach me. I wrestle with it, occasionally get it under control. I realize it has nothing to do with last week’s negativity, burning out and feeling exhausted. No, this week’s negativity has a direct cause. In fact, it has two legs. And unfortunately a mouth. But that’s all I’ll say. I know it’s petty and impermanent, which makes it even harder having it as an issue. Have I sunk so low? Have I never risen as high as I thought I had? I jest.
I went for another run today, but I should cut back since I’m not as young or as strong as I once was. I found a flat meadow with a 3.5 mile loop which I did in 25’50”, averaging 7’20” miles. I’m satisfied with that, and can now go back to taking it easy doing hard, hilly courses.
I want to try working three daily questions into this blog, but I don’t know if it’ll fly. My mentor offered them during a Dharma talk he was giving (he was also the inspiration for the Happinesses of the Day), and I think he got them from a Pali text (Theravadin):
1. What have I received (from others) today?
2. What have I offered (to others) today?
3. What difficulties have I caused others today?
I have to think about them more to see if I can even come up with answers. As for #3, I know I have caused difficulties to others, but I couldn’t mention them so as to protect the innocent. Or guilty, rather.
I’m doing a little better with the negativity. A bunch of little lessons popped up throughout the day indirectly addressing it, trying to teach me. I wrestle with it, occasionally get it under control. I realize it has nothing to do with last week’s negativity, burning out and feeling exhausted. No, this week’s negativity has a direct cause. In fact, it has two legs. And unfortunately a mouth. But that’s all I’ll say. I know it’s petty and impermanent, which makes it even harder having it as an issue. Have I sunk so low? Have I never risen as high as I thought I had? I jest.
I went for another run today, but I should cut back since I’m not as young or as strong as I once was. I found a flat meadow with a 3.5 mile loop which I did in 25’50”, averaging 7’20” miles. I’m satisfied with that, and can now go back to taking it easy doing hard, hilly courses.
I want to try working three daily questions into this blog, but I don’t know if it’ll fly. My mentor offered them during a Dharma talk he was giving (he was also the inspiration for the Happinesses of the Day), and I think he got them from a Pali text (Theravadin):
1. What have I received (from others) today?
2. What have I offered (to others) today?
3. What difficulties have I caused others today?
I have to think about them more to see if I can even come up with answers. As for #3, I know I have caused difficulties to others, but I couldn’t mention them so as to protect the innocent. Or guilty, rather.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Still grappling with the negativity and prettying it up for the blog. Wondering what this negativity means for what I’m supposedly aspiring. Today I thought I could let it go. By letting it go, that means embracing it (in accordance to Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching, hm). Rather, tucking it in like a football running back and charging ahead blindly through all opposition.
It would have been nice if my monastic aspiration could go forward smoothly and lovely and happily, but that’s just not my karma. Everything has to be hard. Always something needs to irritate me, annoy me, fluster me, knock me off my tracks. Fly in the ointment. Story of my life. So let it go. If that’s the way it’s going to be, that’s part of my path, my training to deal with it. Rock tied to my back like the young monk in Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter…and Spring. It still pisses me off.
But damn, that’s no way to proceed on this path. It’s enough to knock me off the path, make me doubt my ability and aptitude. If I can’t handle something as petty as this, I’m in big trouble. But I can’t be thinking thoughts like that. Intellectually, I know. I told myself to throw out all extreme feelings. Any strong feelings that I want to become a monk, throw it out, and any strong feelings that I don’t want to become a monk, also throw it out. Find the truth somewhere in between, and either I’ll become a monk or not, but be guided by that truth somewhere in between, not any extreme, manic-like, fleeting feelings.
I slept outside last night, under the stars, watching for Geminid meteorites. Someone built a deck on one of the hillsides and it was a summer-like night. I can’t even remember the last time I slept out under the stars. I counted well over 70 meteorites throughout the night. Every time I woke up I counted a few more. It was neat noticing how the meteorites all fell away from the constellation Gemini (hence, they are called Geminids). As Gemini was rising in the east, they shot from east to west, but as Gemini rose high in the sky, they fell towards the horizon. Sleeping on the hard flat wooden deck wasn’t the most comfortable for my spine, but it was still lovely being out there.
5:00 – woke up, counted 7 more meteorites, rolled up sleeping bag.
5:30 – descended from deck, put away sleeping bag, walked towards Meditation Barn, counted 3 more meteorites
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:30 – helped a guest with medical problems change rooms
8:00 – breakfast
8:50 – coffee in the tea room
9:30 – Dharma Talk DVD for laypeople in Clarity Hamlet.
11:30 – helped in kitchen
12:30 – lunch
2:00 – laypeople Dharma sharing
3:40 – hike with Leslie and Ruth to watch sunset
6:00 – dinner
evening: free
Still grappling with the negativity and prettying it up for the blog. Wondering what this negativity means for what I’m supposedly aspiring. Today I thought I could let it go. By letting it go, that means embracing it (in accordance to Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching, hm). Rather, tucking it in like a football running back and charging ahead blindly through all opposition.
It would have been nice if my monastic aspiration could go forward smoothly and lovely and happily, but that’s just not my karma. Everything has to be hard. Always something needs to irritate me, annoy me, fluster me, knock me off my tracks. Fly in the ointment. Story of my life. So let it go. If that’s the way it’s going to be, that’s part of my path, my training to deal with it. Rock tied to my back like the young monk in Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter…and Spring. It still pisses me off.
But damn, that’s no way to proceed on this path. It’s enough to knock me off the path, make me doubt my ability and aptitude. If I can’t handle something as petty as this, I’m in big trouble. But I can’t be thinking thoughts like that. Intellectually, I know. I told myself to throw out all extreme feelings. Any strong feelings that I want to become a monk, throw it out, and any strong feelings that I don’t want to become a monk, also throw it out. Find the truth somewhere in between, and either I’ll become a monk or not, but be guided by that truth somewhere in between, not any extreme, manic-like, fleeting feelings.
I slept outside last night, under the stars, watching for Geminid meteorites. Someone built a deck on one of the hillsides and it was a summer-like night. I can’t even remember the last time I slept out under the stars. I counted well over 70 meteorites throughout the night. Every time I woke up I counted a few more. It was neat noticing how the meteorites all fell away from the constellation Gemini (hence, they are called Geminids). As Gemini was rising in the east, they shot from east to west, but as Gemini rose high in the sky, they fell towards the horizon. Sleeping on the hard flat wooden deck wasn’t the most comfortable for my spine, but it was still lovely being out there.
5:00 – woke up, counted 7 more meteorites, rolled up sleeping bag.
5:30 – descended from deck, put away sleeping bag, walked towards Meditation Barn, counted 3 more meteorites
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:30 – helped a guest with medical problems change rooms
8:00 – breakfast
8:50 – coffee in the tea room
9:30 – Dharma Talk DVD for laypeople in Clarity Hamlet.
11:30 – helped in kitchen
12:30 – lunch
2:00 – laypeople Dharma sharing
3:40 – hike with Leslie and Ruth to watch sunset
6:00 – dinner
evening: free
Monday, December 13, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Lazy Day:
I went on a long, six hour hike. The monastery is right next to a 3,300 acre nature preserve with extensive hiking trails. I felt I needed to go off on my own, but what did I think I was running away from? Myself? Well, that failed miserably.
For six weeks here, the monastery environment has brought out the best in me, but now that’s starting to wear thin and negativity is starting to rise to the surface of my mind. Negativity is a slippery slope. One wrong step and down I go. I’m trying to pinpoint the source, but there are probably multiple sources. I’m trying to pinpoint the triggers, but they all seem so petty. So I’m trying to deal with them as they are here, as they present themselves, but the risk is in getting mired in negativity and drowning.
The negativity is a long-festering thing. Like there are channels in my body through which water flows. That’s good. The water is good (that won’t come out of me). Sometimes the water is clear, sometimes the water is muddy, but at least it’s water. However, the channels themselves were carved out by years and years of fierce howling winds of negativity. Even with water flowing now and life returning, the negative habit energy still makes its presence felt, it’s still in the nature of the channels where the water flows.
I expected this to happen, so there’s an intellectual component to this, which is why I’m even posting about it. It’s an expected part of this path and might play a part in whatever I choose to do.
Lazy Day:
I went on a long, six hour hike. The monastery is right next to a 3,300 acre nature preserve with extensive hiking trails. I felt I needed to go off on my own, but what did I think I was running away from? Myself? Well, that failed miserably.
For six weeks here, the monastery environment has brought out the best in me, but now that’s starting to wear thin and negativity is starting to rise to the surface of my mind. Negativity is a slippery slope. One wrong step and down I go. I’m trying to pinpoint the source, but there are probably multiple sources. I’m trying to pinpoint the triggers, but they all seem so petty. So I’m trying to deal with them as they are here, as they present themselves, but the risk is in getting mired in negativity and drowning.
The negativity is a long-festering thing. Like there are channels in my body through which water flows. That’s good. The water is good (that won’t come out of me). Sometimes the water is clear, sometimes the water is muddy, but at least it’s water. However, the channels themselves were carved out by years and years of fierce howling winds of negativity. Even with water flowing now and life returning, the negative habit energy still makes its presence felt, it’s still in the nature of the channels where the water flows.
I expected this to happen, so there’s an intellectual component to this, which is why I’m even posting about it. It’s an expected part of this path and might play a part in whatever I choose to do.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
5:34 – woke up
5:44 – final bow to J*ost (he was walking around outside the laundry room, probably doing laundry) while walking to Meditation Barn
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:16 – morning exercise: jogging around Meditation Hall
7:30 – walking meditation
8:00 – breakfast
9:30 – working meditation: Solidity Hamlet (monks) went down to Clarity Hamlet (nuns) to knock out the pantry walls in their kitchen to make more space.
12:45 – lunch (cooked by nuns in Solidity kitchen)
2:40 – went for a run
6:00 – dinner
6:30 – met guest Ruth and chatted
I was burned out a few nights ago, but it’s incredible how quickly I bounced back the next morning, and all it took was a nice sunny, unseasonably warm day. J*ost and Robin are gone and they will be missed, even if they were hard to keep up with. They left this morning while everyone was sitting. Bruno also left, and I’ll miss our conversations and his reminder to me (or me to myself) to keep my skepticism about this practice and if I get sucked into it completely, including the parts I’m not thrilled about, that I should remain aware that I’m letting myself get sucked into parts that I’m not thrilled about. I do have an attraction to the austerity of Theravadin practice, and in many ways I think it would be more appropriate for me, but it’s a stronger feeling that I’m just not Theravadin.
Guest Ruth arrived and she feels like a gift in response to the burnout. It wasn’t like, “Oh my god, you must be my long lost sister!”, but it was like I’m on my path, she’s on her path, and they’ve become vaguely parallel, and now that we’ve met, we’re finding some distinct and random connecting points. Random enough to make me feel that our meeting was meant to happen, and the timing feels like a gift. That feels good.
I went on a pretty good run this afternoon. I ran 4 miles in 36:14 minutes, which averages out to something like 9 minute miles. It’s nothing to be proud of, but the hills on the trails are real leg-busters. Given my knee problems and that I stopped running years ago because of them, I’m just happy that I was able to complete a hard 4 mile course. I felt like puking right after I finished, and even that was good. It meant I pushed myself hard enough to feel like puking, and even more important that I was able to push myself hard enough to feel like puking. One, the ability, two the doing.
5:34 – woke up
5:44 – final bow to J*ost (he was walking around outside the laundry room, probably doing laundry) while walking to Meditation Barn
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:16 – morning exercise: jogging around Meditation Hall
7:30 – walking meditation
8:00 – breakfast
9:30 – working meditation: Solidity Hamlet (monks) went down to Clarity Hamlet (nuns) to knock out the pantry walls in their kitchen to make more space.
12:45 – lunch (cooked by nuns in Solidity kitchen)
2:40 – went for a run
6:00 – dinner
6:30 – met guest Ruth and chatted
I was burned out a few nights ago, but it’s incredible how quickly I bounced back the next morning, and all it took was a nice sunny, unseasonably warm day. J*ost and Robin are gone and they will be missed, even if they were hard to keep up with. They left this morning while everyone was sitting. Bruno also left, and I’ll miss our conversations and his reminder to me (or me to myself) to keep my skepticism about this practice and if I get sucked into it completely, including the parts I’m not thrilled about, that I should remain aware that I’m letting myself get sucked into parts that I’m not thrilled about. I do have an attraction to the austerity of Theravadin practice, and in many ways I think it would be more appropriate for me, but it’s a stronger feeling that I’m just not Theravadin.
Guest Ruth arrived and she feels like a gift in response to the burnout. It wasn’t like, “Oh my god, you must be my long lost sister!”, but it was like I’m on my path, she’s on her path, and they’ve become vaguely parallel, and now that we’ve met, we’re finding some distinct and random connecting points. Random enough to make me feel that our meeting was meant to happen, and the timing feels like a gift. That feels good.
I went on a pretty good run this afternoon. I ran 4 miles in 36:14 minutes, which averages out to something like 9 minute miles. It’s nothing to be proud of, but the hills on the trails are real leg-busters. Given my knee problems and that I stopped running years ago because of them, I’m just happy that I was able to complete a hard 4 mile course. I felt like puking right after I finished, and even that was good. It meant I pushed myself hard enough to feel like puking, and even more important that I was able to push myself hard enough to feel like puking. One, the ability, two the doing.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
I’m officially burned out. Today was my most negative day here, and most doubt-filled one about what I’m doing. I’m burned out because I’m a very solitary person, and there’s a constant flow of people here from whom I really can’t avoid interacting. The monks have their own things to do, and their dorms are exclusively their space where they can be pretty much unaffected by whoever or how many people are visiting. But for me it’s been a near constant barrage of social input, constant effort into social output. I think Norman’s been good about putting guests into my room only after doubling up other people, but when someone does get placed in my room (and it’s never necessary, there are plenty of vacant rooms and beds), I really feel the lack of quiet and the heightened difficulty maintaining the practice. At these times, the slightest thing puts me on edge and makes me withdraw and shut people out.
I don’t want to give any impression that I think negatively of Y*ost and Robin, but they’re leaving this Saturday, and I’m partly looking forward to it. The amount of energy they have is unreal, and they come to Plum Village and Deer Park to recharge their batteries. They’ve just about drained mine. Their energy has a tendency to take over and overpower others’ if they aren’t assertive enough (so they require it of other people to be assertive), and I’ve just gotten sick of group gatherings that have turned into the Y*ost and Robin Show. But I think in retrospect, I will think of their contributions much more positively, and I’ve enjoyed their presence and learned from them and they’ve made a bunch of things these past three weeks a whole lot easier because of their energy. They're certainly lovely people with great big, giving hearts.
It’s also hard with all these laypeople guests when I’m the only aspirant. From the monks’ point of view, I’m grouped in with the laypeople, but I don’t have the same mindset as the laypeople, and I’m pushing my practice to lean more towards what I might expect as a monastic. Laypeople come here knowing it’s for a limited time and they have something to go back to. Their time here is social, to have fun, to rejuvenate their practice, and leave refreshed. I have trouble protecting myself from getting pulled out of practice.
Happinesses of the Day:
- After several days of cloudy, rainy mornings, waking up to a clear dawn with Venus, Mars, and a crescent moon with the dark side dimly but clearly illuminated by earthshine, all in a row.
- Th* Ngiem performing morning service. She has a voice that makes bodhisattvas bow.
- Walking down a mountain road after watching the sun set from one of the peaks.
Mars is the dim light between bright Venus and Moon
I’m officially burned out. Today was my most negative day here, and most doubt-filled one about what I’m doing. I’m burned out because I’m a very solitary person, and there’s a constant flow of people here from whom I really can’t avoid interacting. The monks have their own things to do, and their dorms are exclusively their space where they can be pretty much unaffected by whoever or how many people are visiting. But for me it’s been a near constant barrage of social input, constant effort into social output. I think Norman’s been good about putting guests into my room only after doubling up other people, but when someone does get placed in my room (and it’s never necessary, there are plenty of vacant rooms and beds), I really feel the lack of quiet and the heightened difficulty maintaining the practice. At these times, the slightest thing puts me on edge and makes me withdraw and shut people out.
I don’t want to give any impression that I think negatively of Y*ost and Robin, but they’re leaving this Saturday, and I’m partly looking forward to it. The amount of energy they have is unreal, and they come to Plum Village and Deer Park to recharge their batteries. They’ve just about drained mine. Their energy has a tendency to take over and overpower others’ if they aren’t assertive enough (so they require it of other people to be assertive), and I’ve just gotten sick of group gatherings that have turned into the Y*ost and Robin Show. But I think in retrospect, I will think of their contributions much more positively, and I’ve enjoyed their presence and learned from them and they’ve made a bunch of things these past three weeks a whole lot easier because of their energy. They're certainly lovely people with great big, giving hearts.
It’s also hard with all these laypeople guests when I’m the only aspirant. From the monks’ point of view, I’m grouped in with the laypeople, but I don’t have the same mindset as the laypeople, and I’m pushing my practice to lean more towards what I might expect as a monastic. Laypeople come here knowing it’s for a limited time and they have something to go back to. Their time here is social, to have fun, to rejuvenate their practice, and leave refreshed. I have trouble protecting myself from getting pulled out of practice.
Happinesses of the Day:
- After several days of cloudy, rainy mornings, waking up to a clear dawn with Venus, Mars, and a crescent moon with the dark side dimly but clearly illuminated by earthshine, all in a row.
- Th* Ngiem performing morning service. She has a voice that makes bodhisattvas bow.
- Walking down a mountain road after watching the sun set from one of the peaks.
Mars is the dim light between bright Venus and Moon
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
5:25 - woke up
5:49 – morning sitting
6:50 – assisted preparing breakfast
8:00 – breakfast
9:00 – coffee
10:00 – assisted preparing lunch
12:30 – lunch
afternoon free
4:00 – assisted in preparing dinner
6:00 – dinner
7:30 – laypeople evening sitting
In case you haven’t noticed, I was on cooking detail today. On the work rotation, I’m paired with my mentor, and I’m very glad about that. He was a chef in lay life, and I barely know my way around a cutting board, and it’s not for not having tried. I wish I could cook, I wish I knew my way around a kitchen, I’ve tried learning, but even now, when my mentor chops vegetables, he’s quick and graceful. I’m clumsy and inept, even though when I have cooked with other people, the one thing I could reliably do is chop stuff.
My ineptitude aside, I think our personalities are well-paired. In my version of events, we had an immediate rapport, so I thought he was a great guy that everybody liked, but his personality has an acerbic side which bounces off my happy-go-lucky teflon veneer. No, that’s not it. But when he gets like that, I don’t take it personally or get flustered. I stay even-minded and make self-deprecating wisecracks that I don’t mean seriously, either. We know when to be serious, when to be light, and I just go with the flow and always have a high respect for him. He’s told me bits about his old life and I think he brought a lot of suffering with him, and I think the type of suffering he’s dealt with makes him particularly suited to be my mentor. We don't even have to talk about it or draw on it. It just comes out and makes things pretty easy between us.
Happinesses of the Day:
- Ice cream and french fries at lunch
- Robin laughing at me from across the room for getting seconds (I almost never get seconds unless it's something special) of french fries and ice cream.
- Cooking detail with mentor
- French fries at lunch
- Ice cream at lunch
- Oh, and ice cream at lunch
5:25 - woke up
5:49 – morning sitting
6:50 – assisted preparing breakfast
8:00 – breakfast
9:00 – coffee
10:00 – assisted preparing lunch
12:30 – lunch
afternoon free
4:00 – assisted in preparing dinner
6:00 – dinner
7:30 – laypeople evening sitting
In case you haven’t noticed, I was on cooking detail today. On the work rotation, I’m paired with my mentor, and I’m very glad about that. He was a chef in lay life, and I barely know my way around a cutting board, and it’s not for not having tried. I wish I could cook, I wish I knew my way around a kitchen, I’ve tried learning, but even now, when my mentor chops vegetables, he’s quick and graceful. I’m clumsy and inept, even though when I have cooked with other people, the one thing I could reliably do is chop stuff.
My ineptitude aside, I think our personalities are well-paired. In my version of events, we had an immediate rapport, so I thought he was a great guy that everybody liked, but his personality has an acerbic side which bounces off my happy-go-lucky teflon veneer. No, that’s not it. But when he gets like that, I don’t take it personally or get flustered. I stay even-minded and make self-deprecating wisecracks that I don’t mean seriously, either. We know when to be serious, when to be light, and I just go with the flow and always have a high respect for him. He’s told me bits about his old life and I think he brought a lot of suffering with him, and I think the type of suffering he’s dealt with makes him particularly suited to be my mentor. We don't even have to talk about it or draw on it. It just comes out and makes things pretty easy between us.
Happinesses of the Day:
- Ice cream and french fries at lunch
- Robin laughing at me from across the room for getting seconds (I almost never get seconds unless it's something special) of french fries and ice cream.
- Cooking detail with mentor
- French fries at lunch
- Ice cream at lunch
- Oh, and ice cream at lunch
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Another week begun. A day of ups and downs.
I put a special effort into re-constituting my practice by using time to my mindful advantage, but not letting it rule me. There’s plenty of time at the monastery to have a set schedule for disciplinary purposes, but enough flexibility to not feel pressured by it.
As a long-term guest, I take on responsibilities related to laypeople as time goes on and as appropriate. On Tuesday mornings, there is a DVD Dharma Talk by Thich Nhat Hanh for laypeople down in Clarity Hamlet. At first, they asked me if I could do it, and now I’ve gladly taken the responsibility for receiving the DVD from the A/V department during the morning, and then running the DVD. I also make sure any new guests know where the viewing room is, making sure the DVD player is set up, and setting up cushions and chairs. Oh, and my responsibilities also include getting there in time to do all that, a bit of challenge when fitting in morning coffee after breakfast, but the responsibility is emphasized with my re-constituted practice.
So this responsibility has been taking form over the past several weeks without me being very mindful of it. It struck me during the Dharma Talk this morning that it was a responsibility, and I realized that to cap off the responsibility, I should be inviting the convening and dispersing bells (we don’t “ring” bells, we “invite” them, got it? I’m not gonna explain that again). I hadn’t rung, er, invited the bell to start the DVD, but it wasn’t too late for the end. So at the end of the talk, there were three rings, er, invitings of the bell on the DVD to mark the end of the talk at Plum Village where it was recorded, and then I took the initiative of inviting the bell to end our gathering here.
Inviting the bell at the monastery is a pretty big deal, and I think it did make a difference. Instead of the DVD ending, and then people just randomly getting up and shuffling out and chatting with scattered energy, the bell at the end brought our collective energy together, and then when the bell ended, the energy released like a collective exhalation. An older Vietnamese woman, a guest from Pennsylvania, told me afterwards that I was doing a great job in my practice, and she was surprised that I had only been to Deer Park for five weeks. I think she was hinting that I seemed very natural in it.
So those are some ups. Most of my downs are related to feeling pulled away from my practice by being a layperson/guest. Stuff along those lines. And there’s a cute Vietnamese female guest staying down at Clarity who is causing me great suffering. In my pants. Just kidding, that’s a joke! Laugh, kids! After not having gone out with anyone for six years, she had all the qualities I’m looking for in a woman: she’s breathing. Hooha! I'm just full of them today. What's a monk without a sense of humor? A layperson! Hahaha.
5:25 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:00 – morning exercise: fast walking around the Meditation Hall
7:30 – walking meditation
8:10 – breakfast
9:30 – Laypeople Dharma Talk DVD in Clarity Hamlet.
11:00 – prepared a guestroom for two (biological) brothers of a monk
12:30 – lunch
2:30 – prepared for a layperson tea gathering in Clarity
3:00 – tea gathering
5:00 – personal walking meditation; mentor not available for meeting
6:00 – dinner
7:40 – personal sitting in my room
Another week begun. A day of ups and downs.
I put a special effort into re-constituting my practice by using time to my mindful advantage, but not letting it rule me. There’s plenty of time at the monastery to have a set schedule for disciplinary purposes, but enough flexibility to not feel pressured by it.
As a long-term guest, I take on responsibilities related to laypeople as time goes on and as appropriate. On Tuesday mornings, there is a DVD Dharma Talk by Thich Nhat Hanh for laypeople down in Clarity Hamlet. At first, they asked me if I could do it, and now I’ve gladly taken the responsibility for receiving the DVD from the A/V department during the morning, and then running the DVD. I also make sure any new guests know where the viewing room is, making sure the DVD player is set up, and setting up cushions and chairs. Oh, and my responsibilities also include getting there in time to do all that, a bit of challenge when fitting in morning coffee after breakfast, but the responsibility is emphasized with my re-constituted practice.
So this responsibility has been taking form over the past several weeks without me being very mindful of it. It struck me during the Dharma Talk this morning that it was a responsibility, and I realized that to cap off the responsibility, I should be inviting the convening and dispersing bells (we don’t “ring” bells, we “invite” them, got it? I’m not gonna explain that again). I hadn’t rung, er, invited the bell to start the DVD, but it wasn’t too late for the end. So at the end of the talk, there were three rings, er, invitings of the bell on the DVD to mark the end of the talk at Plum Village where it was recorded, and then I took the initiative of inviting the bell to end our gathering here.
Inviting the bell at the monastery is a pretty big deal, and I think it did make a difference. Instead of the DVD ending, and then people just randomly getting up and shuffling out and chatting with scattered energy, the bell at the end brought our collective energy together, and then when the bell ended, the energy released like a collective exhalation. An older Vietnamese woman, a guest from Pennsylvania, told me afterwards that I was doing a great job in my practice, and she was surprised that I had only been to Deer Park for five weeks. I think she was hinting that I seemed very natural in it.
So those are some ups. Most of my downs are related to feeling pulled away from my practice by being a layperson/guest. Stuff along those lines. And there’s a cute Vietnamese female guest staying down at Clarity who is causing me great suffering. In my pants. Just kidding, that’s a joke! Laugh, kids! After not having gone out with anyone for six years, she had all the qualities I’m looking for in a woman: she’s breathing. Hooha! I'm just full of them today. What's a monk without a sense of humor? A layperson! Hahaha.
5:25 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:00 – morning exercise: fast walking around the Meditation Hall
7:30 – walking meditation
8:10 – breakfast
9:30 – Laypeople Dharma Talk DVD in Clarity Hamlet.
11:00 – prepared a guestroom for two (biological) brothers of a monk
12:30 – lunch
2:30 – prepared for a layperson tea gathering in Clarity
3:00 – tea gathering
5:00 – personal walking meditation; mentor not available for meeting
6:00 – dinner
7:40 – personal sitting in my room
Monday, December 06, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Lazy Day:
I don’t think I’ve managed a single lazy day without leaving the monastery. Bruno arrived on Friday with a car, and I found he wasn’t adverse to driving down to the internet café in Escondido. He’s also a potential monastic aspirant, but not in this tradition. There are three major branches of Buddhism: Tibetan, Mahayana, and Theravadin. This monastery is Mahayana (and Zen is a branch of Mahayana), and Bruno is Theravadin. Theravadin is considered more “conservative” in that it is closer to the historical Buddha’s teaching, whereas Mahayana sects implement a much more liberal and expansive application of the teachings.
Both of us having studied quite a bit on Buddhism were surprised at how much we didn’t know about each other’s traditions. Not that I consider myself “Buddhist”, much less of the “Mahayana school”, so I’m not sure I would have been able to trace the core similarities between the two traditions the way he was able to.
He’s staying at Deer Park for a week, expanding his experiential horizons, and next he’s going to a place just on the other side of our eastern ridge, a monastery that is strictly in the Theravadin forest tradition, and was founded by a fellow Oberlin graduate, who I think I wrote about a while ago when he was featured in the alumni magazine. That article mentioned his monastery was in Southern California, but didn’t mention the city it is close to, so I didn’t realize how close it was to Deer Park.
Lazy Day:
I don’t think I’ve managed a single lazy day without leaving the monastery. Bruno arrived on Friday with a car, and I found he wasn’t adverse to driving down to the internet café in Escondido. He’s also a potential monastic aspirant, but not in this tradition. There are three major branches of Buddhism: Tibetan, Mahayana, and Theravadin. This monastery is Mahayana (and Zen is a branch of Mahayana), and Bruno is Theravadin. Theravadin is considered more “conservative” in that it is closer to the historical Buddha’s teaching, whereas Mahayana sects implement a much more liberal and expansive application of the teachings.
Both of us having studied quite a bit on Buddhism were surprised at how much we didn’t know about each other’s traditions. Not that I consider myself “Buddhist”, much less of the “Mahayana school”, so I’m not sure I would have been able to trace the core similarities between the two traditions the way he was able to.
He’s staying at Deer Park for a week, expanding his experiential horizons, and next he’s going to a place just on the other side of our eastern ridge, a monastery that is strictly in the Theravadin forest tradition, and was founded by a fellow Oberlin graduate, who I think I wrote about a while ago when he was featured in the alumni magazine. That article mentioned his monastery was in Southern California, but didn’t mention the city it is close to, so I didn’t realize how close it was to Deer Park.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Five Mindfulness Trainings:
I touched on this before. The Five Mindfulness Trainings are precepts for laypeople. We don’t call them precepts because we don’t like the implication that they are commandments and are maintained or broken, succeeded at or failed. The idea isn’t to strictly live by these precepts, but to train ourselves to be mindful of them as they present themselves in various issues in our daily lives, even when we’re not following them. Easier said than done, and I think a lot of people, including monks, put a moral value on them, which they shouldn’t.
This morning, in place of the first Dharma Talk, we had a ceremony for reciting the trainings. The ceremony is performed once a month, and if there are people interested in receiving them, there is a transmission ceremony as well. I received them at last month’s ceremony. It’s a ritualistic thing. I guess people wouldn’t take them seriously if there wasn’t a ritualistic aspect placed on them, and that makes sense, I can accept that. So it is encouraged that the trainings be recited every month, and if they aren’t recited in three months, preferably with a practicing community in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition, the transmission is "lost".
The ceremony is formal with the monastics dressing up in their orange “sangati” robes over their usual brown ones, and it follows a script in a book and includes bell ringing and prostrations. Each of the trainings are read aloud and it is asked whether the practitioner has done his or her best to study, understand, and practice each training. The response is silent since each person’s response is personal. So I imagine a silent response to the Fifth Mindfulness Training, the one on mindful consumption might be something like, "Yes, I am aware of the suffering caused every day by my turning on my car; that people, plants, and animals are even killed, and natural resources destroyed, so that I may drive it, even though more than half the time I could have taken public transportation or ridden a bike which would have also improved my health and fitness. Whenever I turn on my car, I am mindful of the global consequences, and I am sorry for the poor suckers who suffer for my convenience."
I’m gonna suck as a monk.
Total Relaxation:
Among the afternoon activities on Sunday Day of Mindfulness is often something we call “Total Relaxation”. Some people love it and swear by it. I’m not particularly enamored of it. It’s basically a guided meditation while lying down, in which participants are guided to focus on body parts to relax each part, one by one. All the times I’ve participated, it has been guided by a pleasant-voiced nun, and after the guided part is done, she sings for 10-15 minutes, almost lullaby-like, to aid in the relaxation. A lot of people fall asleep during Total Relaxation, which is fine, almost expected, and they snore to wake up the dead. A lot of people experience not knowing whether they fell asleep or not, but they end up refreshed and relaxed. I’ve fallen asleep during it (don’t know if I snored), I’ve also experienced not knowing whether I’d fallen asleep or not, and I’ve managed to stay aware through the whole thing. Never have I emerged refreshed and relaxed. Quite the contrary, I get irritable and impatient. In fact, during Total Relaxation has been the only time at the monastery that I’ve become irritable and impatient! I’m still trying to figure out what that means, aside from maybe sucking as a monk.
Five Mindfulness Trainings:
I touched on this before. The Five Mindfulness Trainings are precepts for laypeople. We don’t call them precepts because we don’t like the implication that they are commandments and are maintained or broken, succeeded at or failed. The idea isn’t to strictly live by these precepts, but to train ourselves to be mindful of them as they present themselves in various issues in our daily lives, even when we’re not following them. Easier said than done, and I think a lot of people, including monks, put a moral value on them, which they shouldn’t.
This morning, in place of the first Dharma Talk, we had a ceremony for reciting the trainings. The ceremony is performed once a month, and if there are people interested in receiving them, there is a transmission ceremony as well. I received them at last month’s ceremony. It’s a ritualistic thing. I guess people wouldn’t take them seriously if there wasn’t a ritualistic aspect placed on them, and that makes sense, I can accept that. So it is encouraged that the trainings be recited every month, and if they aren’t recited in three months, preferably with a practicing community in the Thich Nhat Hanh tradition, the transmission is "lost".
The ceremony is formal with the monastics dressing up in their orange “sangati” robes over their usual brown ones, and it follows a script in a book and includes bell ringing and prostrations. Each of the trainings are read aloud and it is asked whether the practitioner has done his or her best to study, understand, and practice each training. The response is silent since each person’s response is personal. So I imagine a silent response to the Fifth Mindfulness Training, the one on mindful consumption might be something like, "Yes, I am aware of the suffering caused every day by my turning on my car; that people, plants, and animals are even killed, and natural resources destroyed, so that I may drive it, even though more than half the time I could have taken public transportation or ridden a bike which would have also improved my health and fitness. Whenever I turn on my car, I am mindful of the global consequences, and I am sorry for the poor suckers who suffer for my convenience."
I’m gonna suck as a monk.
Total Relaxation:
Among the afternoon activities on Sunday Day of Mindfulness is often something we call “Total Relaxation”. Some people love it and swear by it. I’m not particularly enamored of it. It’s basically a guided meditation while lying down, in which participants are guided to focus on body parts to relax each part, one by one. All the times I’ve participated, it has been guided by a pleasant-voiced nun, and after the guided part is done, she sings for 10-15 minutes, almost lullaby-like, to aid in the relaxation. A lot of people fall asleep during Total Relaxation, which is fine, almost expected, and they snore to wake up the dead. A lot of people experience not knowing whether they fell asleep or not, but they end up refreshed and relaxed. I’ve fallen asleep during it (don’t know if I snored), I’ve also experienced not knowing whether I’d fallen asleep or not, and I’ve managed to stay aware through the whole thing. Never have I emerged refreshed and relaxed. Quite the contrary, I get irritable and impatient. In fact, during Total Relaxation has been the only time at the monastery that I’ve become irritable and impatient! I’m still trying to figure out what that means, aside from maybe sucking as a monk.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
Apparently there was a misunderstanding. Norman was clarifying with the monks whether I was an aspirant or not (for payment purposes). A monk told him that I wasn’t, and that I would know before he did. We took that to mean that the monastics would tell me when I was an aspirant first, so I would find out before he did. But no, that was the wrong interpretation. What the monk meant was that I would know first by making an affirmative request for aspirancy, and once that went through, he would be told that I shouldn’t be charged anymore. So, bottom line, I’m not waiting for the monks to tell me I’m an aspirant, but they’re waiting for me to forward an affirmative request to become one. No harm done, all good.
So now that I know the ball’s in my court, I need to get clear on some other issues, such as what exactly is an “aspirant”, and what is the expectation of an aspirant towards monkdom. 50%? 75%? 90%? Especially when aspirancy means that I would no longer need to pay for my stay here. What will aspirancy mean for my ability to come and go? Is it possible to fall out of aspirancy, or is waffling on the path (which apparently many people do) an expected part of aspirancy?
There’s an issue of when I should or can request aspirancy. I know that generally, potential aspirants need to stay for a period of three months before being accepted as an aspirant. So for me, that would be the end of January, during the trip to Vietnam, and I can’t hang around paying, waiting until the trip is over in April. I get the feeling that some of the brothers are keen on me moving along on my path, but I don’t know how much that translates into flexibility for me to be accepted as an aspirant before three months are up, and before they leave for Vietnam.
I’m also considering whether I can go back to New Jersey during the three month Vietnam trip, ostensibly to settle all my secular life affairs and work with my parents in case they have a problem with my decision to become a monk, and then immediately return as an aspirant when the trip is over. Perhaps whether I go to Deer Park or Plum Village will depend on how long a period of aspirancy is expected. If I’m still floundering with the decision, I’ll return to Deer Park. If my decision is made and my period of aspirancy looks like it will be rather short, then I’ll just go straight to Plum Village, perhaps with a recommendation from the Deer Park monastics that I should be ordained asap.
I’m hoping that once I make the decision, it will be an arrow shot straight and true. Boom, buckle down, we got to move these refrigerators, we got to move these color TVs. All that monasticism entails and means will become my life, and I will become it. My feeling is that my time here now is making sure it’s what I want to do, and the Vietnam trip is an opportunity to make sure I don’t want to return to a secular life of desires and attachments.
5:25 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting
6:50 – Touching the Earth (prostrations)
7:08 – morning exercise: jogging around Meditation Hall
7:20 – walking meditation
7:45 – in tea room with P. Tra*h for Vietnamese coffee. He disappeared and I made it anyway and skipped breakfast
8:45 – began unofficial work meditation (guestrooms)
9:30 – after more coffee, joined official work meditation team extending the vegetable garden
10:40 – stopped work meditation because of rain
11:00 – cleaned tool shed
11:30 – tea in the tea room with P. Tra*h, and John and Jesse (from San Diego who came up just for Saturday work day)
12:30 – lunch
Afternoon – listless, cold Saturday afternoon, doing some guestroom related responsibilities.
3:00 – DVD Dharma talk by Thich Nhat Hanh for laypeople.
6:00 – dinner
7:45 – evening sitting and chanting
P. Tr*ch making Vietnamese coffee
I nailed a nun with a soccer ball during morning exercise. A group of nuns were doing stick exercises at one end of the parking lot, a group of monks were playing soccer in the parking lot, and another group, including me, were jogging around the Meditation Hall. As I was coming around the building into the parking lot, the soccer ball was heading right at me really fast, so I did what anyone would do – I kicked it without aiming. Fortunately it hit one of the good-natured nuns (I was told later, everyone saw it), another older one. What is it with me and nuns? One week I’m getting felt up by one and the next I’m nailing another . . . with a soccer ball.
Apparently there was a misunderstanding. Norman was clarifying with the monks whether I was an aspirant or not (for payment purposes). A monk told him that I wasn’t, and that I would know before he did. We took that to mean that the monastics would tell me when I was an aspirant first, so I would find out before he did. But no, that was the wrong interpretation. What the monk meant was that I would know first by making an affirmative request for aspirancy, and once that went through, he would be told that I shouldn’t be charged anymore. So, bottom line, I’m not waiting for the monks to tell me I’m an aspirant, but they’re waiting for me to forward an affirmative request to become one. No harm done, all good.
So now that I know the ball’s in my court, I need to get clear on some other issues, such as what exactly is an “aspirant”, and what is the expectation of an aspirant towards monkdom. 50%? 75%? 90%? Especially when aspirancy means that I would no longer need to pay for my stay here. What will aspirancy mean for my ability to come and go? Is it possible to fall out of aspirancy, or is waffling on the path (which apparently many people do) an expected part of aspirancy?
There’s an issue of when I should or can request aspirancy. I know that generally, potential aspirants need to stay for a period of three months before being accepted as an aspirant. So for me, that would be the end of January, during the trip to Vietnam, and I can’t hang around paying, waiting until the trip is over in April. I get the feeling that some of the brothers are keen on me moving along on my path, but I don’t know how much that translates into flexibility for me to be accepted as an aspirant before three months are up, and before they leave for Vietnam.
I’m also considering whether I can go back to New Jersey during the three month Vietnam trip, ostensibly to settle all my secular life affairs and work with my parents in case they have a problem with my decision to become a monk, and then immediately return as an aspirant when the trip is over. Perhaps whether I go to Deer Park or Plum Village will depend on how long a period of aspirancy is expected. If I’m still floundering with the decision, I’ll return to Deer Park. If my decision is made and my period of aspirancy looks like it will be rather short, then I’ll just go straight to Plum Village, perhaps with a recommendation from the Deer Park monastics that I should be ordained asap.
I’m hoping that once I make the decision, it will be an arrow shot straight and true. Boom, buckle down, we got to move these refrigerators, we got to move these color TVs. All that monasticism entails and means will become my life, and I will become it. My feeling is that my time here now is making sure it’s what I want to do, and the Vietnam trip is an opportunity to make sure I don’t want to return to a secular life of desires and attachments.
5:25 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting
6:50 – Touching the Earth (prostrations)
7:08 – morning exercise: jogging around Meditation Hall
7:20 – walking meditation
7:45 – in tea room with P. Tra*h for Vietnamese coffee. He disappeared and I made it anyway and skipped breakfast
8:45 – began unofficial work meditation (guestrooms)
9:30 – after more coffee, joined official work meditation team extending the vegetable garden
10:40 – stopped work meditation because of rain
11:00 – cleaned tool shed
11:30 – tea in the tea room with P. Tra*h, and John and Jesse (from San Diego who came up just for Saturday work day)
12:30 – lunch
Afternoon – listless, cold Saturday afternoon, doing some guestroom related responsibilities.
3:00 – DVD Dharma talk by Thich Nhat Hanh for laypeople.
6:00 – dinner
7:45 – evening sitting and chanting
P. Tr*ch making Vietnamese coffee
I nailed a nun with a soccer ball during morning exercise. A group of nuns were doing stick exercises at one end of the parking lot, a group of monks were playing soccer in the parking lot, and another group, including me, were jogging around the Meditation Hall. As I was coming around the building into the parking lot, the soccer ball was heading right at me really fast, so I did what anyone would do – I kicked it without aiming. Fortunately it hit one of the good-natured nuns (I was told later, everyone saw it), another older one. What is it with me and nuns? One week I’m getting felt up by one and the next I’m nailing another . . . with a soccer ball.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
I would like to start including some daily schedules as well as happinesses of the day in this blog, once I can get more disciplined and focused about them.
5:35 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting
6:45 – Touching the Earth (prostrations)
7:00 – morning exercise: jogging around the Meditation Hall.
7:30 – walking meditation down to Clarity Hamlet for Day of Mindfulness
8:00 – breakfast in Clarity
8:30 – walked back up to Solidity Hamlet with J*ost, Robin, Sarah, and Eric to have coffee in the tea room and wait for Eric to pack up and to see him off.
9:30 – Skipped the first Dharma Talk in Clarity waiting for Eric.
10:15 – Bid farewell to Eric, and afterwards continued reading in the tea room. Chatted with Norman, paid for three weeks worth of staying here, and put a package in the mail.
11:00 – walked down to Clarity to catch the second Dharma Talk, only to arrive at the very end of it.
12:30 – informal lunch at Clarity
1:15 – returned to Solidity Hamlet to read and nap in the tea room.
2:30 – arrived late at the laypeople Dharma sharing outside the big Meditation Hall. Contributed a bit about death (someone else brought it up and no one else was responding to it, so I did).
3:35 – went for a walk which turned into a hike into an unknown area, triggering my personal emergency alert rating system, which I use to gauge the level I should be panicking, since I don’t naturally panic very well. It reached level one, and almost reached level two before I reached a safe area.
5:35 – returned to monastery
6:07 – dinner (spaghetti! Yay!)
Rest of the evening: hang out in tea room and socialized with guest Dustin, a professional speed skater/cyclist from Calgary.
Happinesses of the Day:
- During the hike, getting to the top of a climb, standing on the topmost rocks and seeing the trail on the other side that I needed to see to start feeling I wasn’t going to be lost or stuck for hours on the dark, cold desert mountain until the moon rose. It was a huge relief, but it was definitely ebullient happiness, too, even though I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet.
- Spaghetti for dinner! (food here is mostly Vietnamese, so spaghetti is a treat)
- Feeling of Winter in the night air. It’s cold, just not freezing. The feeling is one of beautiful emptiness and loneliness.
At the top of the climb, although I was worried about getting to familiar ground before dark, I still had the lack of sense to appreciate the scenery.
I would like to start including some daily schedules as well as happinesses of the day in this blog, once I can get more disciplined and focused about them.
5:35 – woke up
5:52 – morning sitting
6:45 – Touching the Earth (prostrations)
7:00 – morning exercise: jogging around the Meditation Hall.
7:30 – walking meditation down to Clarity Hamlet for Day of Mindfulness
8:00 – breakfast in Clarity
8:30 – walked back up to Solidity Hamlet with J*ost, Robin, Sarah, and Eric to have coffee in the tea room and wait for Eric to pack up and to see him off.
9:30 – Skipped the first Dharma Talk in Clarity waiting for Eric.
10:15 – Bid farewell to Eric, and afterwards continued reading in the tea room. Chatted with Norman, paid for three weeks worth of staying here, and put a package in the mail.
11:00 – walked down to Clarity to catch the second Dharma Talk, only to arrive at the very end of it.
12:30 – informal lunch at Clarity
1:15 – returned to Solidity Hamlet to read and nap in the tea room.
2:30 – arrived late at the laypeople Dharma sharing outside the big Meditation Hall. Contributed a bit about death (someone else brought it up and no one else was responding to it, so I did).
3:35 – went for a walk which turned into a hike into an unknown area, triggering my personal emergency alert rating system, which I use to gauge the level I should be panicking, since I don’t naturally panic very well. It reached level one, and almost reached level two before I reached a safe area.
5:35 – returned to monastery
6:07 – dinner (spaghetti! Yay!)
Rest of the evening: hang out in tea room and socialized with guest Dustin, a professional speed skater/cyclist from Calgary.
Happinesses of the Day:
- During the hike, getting to the top of a climb, standing on the topmost rocks and seeing the trail on the other side that I needed to see to start feeling I wasn’t going to be lost or stuck for hours on the dark, cold desert mountain until the moon rose. It was a huge relief, but it was definitely ebullient happiness, too, even though I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet.
- Spaghetti for dinner! (food here is mostly Vietnamese, so spaghetti is a treat)
- Feeling of Winter in the night air. It’s cold, just not freezing. The feeling is one of beautiful emptiness and loneliness.
At the top of the climb, although I was worried about getting to familiar ground before dark, I still had the lack of sense to appreciate the scenery.
