Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Lazy Day:
I went on a long, six hour hike. The monastery is right next to a 3,300 acre nature preserve with extensive hiking trails. I felt I needed to go off on my own, but what did I think I was running away from? Myself? Well, that failed miserably.

For six weeks here, the monastery environment has brought out the best in me, but now that’s starting to wear thin and negativity is starting to rise to the surface of my mind. Negativity is a slippery slope. One wrong step and down I go. I’m trying to pinpoint the source, but there are probably multiple sources. I’m trying to pinpoint the triggers, but they all seem so petty. So I’m trying to deal with them as they are here, as they present themselves, but the risk is in getting mired in negativity and drowning.

The negativity is a long-festering thing. Like there are channels in my body through which water flows. That’s good. The water is good (that won’t come out of me). Sometimes the water is clear, sometimes the water is muddy, but at least it’s water. However, the channels themselves were carved out by years and years of fierce howling winds of negativity. Even with water flowing now and life returning, the negative habit energy still makes its presence felt, it’s still in the nature of the channels where the water flows.

I expected this to happen, so there’s an intellectual component to this, which is why I’m even posting about it. It’s an expected part of this path and might play a part in whatever I choose to do.