Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
I’m officially burned out. Today was my most negative day here, and most doubt-filled one about what I’m doing. I’m burned out because I’m a very solitary person, and there’s a constant flow of people here from whom I really can’t avoid interacting. The monks have their own things to do, and their dorms are exclusively their space where they can be pretty much unaffected by whoever or how many people are visiting. But for me it’s been a near constant barrage of social input, constant effort into social output. I think Norman’s been good about putting guests into my room only after doubling up other people, but when someone does get placed in my room (and it’s never necessary, there are plenty of vacant rooms and beds), I really feel the lack of quiet and the heightened difficulty maintaining the practice. At these times, the slightest thing puts me on edge and makes me withdraw and shut people out.

I don’t want to give any impression that I think negatively of Y*ost and Robin, but they’re leaving this Saturday, and I’m partly looking forward to it. The amount of energy they have is unreal, and they come to Plum Village and Deer Park to recharge their batteries. They’ve just about drained mine. Their energy has a tendency to take over and overpower others’ if they aren’t assertive enough (so they require it of other people to be assertive), and I’ve just gotten sick of group gatherings that have turned into the Y*ost and Robin Show. But I think in retrospect, I will think of their contributions much more positively, and I’ve enjoyed their presence and learned from them and they’ve made a bunch of things these past three weeks a whole lot easier because of their energy. They're certainly lovely people with great big, giving hearts.

It’s also hard with all these laypeople guests when I’m the only aspirant. From the monks’ point of view, I’m grouped in with the laypeople, but I don’t have the same mindset as the laypeople, and I’m pushing my practice to lean more towards what I might expect as a monastic. Laypeople come here knowing it’s for a limited time and they have something to go back to. Their time here is social, to have fun, to rejuvenate their practice, and leave refreshed. I have trouble protecting myself from getting pulled out of practice.

Happinesses of the Day:
- After several days of cloudy, rainy mornings, waking up to a clear dawn with Venus, Mars, and a crescent moon with the dark side dimly but clearly illuminated by earthshine, all in a row.
- Th* Ngiem performing morning service. She has a voice that makes bodhisattvas bow.
- Walking down a mountain road after watching the sun set from one of the peaks.

Mars is the dim light between bright Venus and Moon