Still grappling with the negativity and prettying it up for the blog. Wondering what this negativity means for what I’m supposedly aspiring. Today I thought I could let it go. By letting it go, that means embracing it (in accordance to Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching, hm). Rather, tucking it in like a football running back and charging ahead blindly through all opposition.
It would have been nice if my monastic aspiration could go forward smoothly and lovely and happily, but that’s just not my karma. Everything has to be hard. Always something needs to irritate me, annoy me, fluster me, knock me off my tracks. Fly in the ointment. Story of my life. So let it go. If that’s the way it’s going to be, that’s part of my path, my training to deal with it. Rock tied to my back like the young monk in Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter…and Spring. It still pisses me off.
But damn, that’s no way to proceed on this path. It’s enough to knock me off the path, make me doubt my ability and aptitude. If I can’t handle something as petty as this, I’m in big trouble. But I can’t be thinking thoughts like that. Intellectually, I know. I told myself to throw out all extreme feelings. Any strong feelings that I want to become a monk, throw it out, and any strong feelings that I don’t want to become a monk, also throw it out. Find the truth somewhere in between, and either I’ll become a monk or not, but be guided by that truth somewhere in between, not any extreme, manic-like, fleeting feelings.
I slept outside last night, under the stars, watching for Geminid meteorites. Someone built a deck on one of the hillsides and it was a summer-like night. I can’t even remember the last time I slept out under the stars. I counted well over 70 meteorites throughout the night. Every time I woke up I counted a few more. It was neat noticing how the meteorites all fell away from the constellation Gemini (hence, they are called Geminids). As Gemini was rising in the east, they shot from east to west, but as Gemini rose high in the sky, they fell towards the horizon. Sleeping on the hard flat wooden deck wasn’t the most comfortable for my spine, but it was still lovely being out there.
5:00 – woke up, counted 7 more meteorites, rolled up sleeping bag.
5:30 – descended from deck, put away sleeping bag, walked towards Meditation Barn, counted 3 more meteorites
5:52 – morning sitting/Touching the Earth
7:30 – helped a guest with medical problems change rooms
8:00 – breakfast
8:50 – coffee in the tea room
9:30 – Dharma Talk DVD for laypeople in Clarity Hamlet.
11:30 – helped in kitchen
12:30 – lunch
2:00 – laypeople Dharma sharing
3:40 – hike with Leslie and Ruth to watch sunset
6:00 – dinner
evening: free
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