Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

Bracing myself in the calm before the storm. New Years Retreat is this weekend and people start arriving today. I'm pretty much recovered from the Christmas weekend retreat, but a lot more people are expected for the New Year. There are about 10-15 people here for several weeks because it's that time of year when people have time off from work.

We just had two days of torrential rain, and the sun finally came out, but a lot of clean up needs to be done. I'm in the office because I'm helping with hospitality, and I'll be "working" all day, so I think it's fine that I'm bowing out of work meditation. It's a hard life.

I'm usually good at socializing with guests who stay for longer periods of time, but there were several who arrived last week who I totally blocked out and acted as persona non sequitur around them. After Christmas Eve, I totally shut down socially, even to the monastics. Last week was just emotionally charged. The tone of the monastery shifted a little with the end of the 3-month monastics retreat, then my mentor left on Wednesday, then I told my parents that I was thinking of becoming a monk, then that Christmas Eve thing happened.

I pretty much have my grounding back now. I'm still dealing with the impasse I reached regarding the practice here and the idea of joining this community, and I'm writing another letter to the community that is more comprehensive in telling them where I'm coming from and what's on my mind and my aspirations towards becoming a monk here.

I'm thinking I will leave here when the monastics leave for Vietnam on January 9. I'm actually thinking of taking my parents up on their offer to send me to Taiwan. As long as I'm still hovering around the 99% certainty mark of becoming a monk here, I might as well grasp any other opportunity that is thrown at me or comes my way. So the tentative plan is to head back to New Jersey on my parents' frequent flyer miles, then figure out when to go to Taiwan, maybe from early February to late March, then return to New Jersey for a few more weeks and then return here in early April, 100% certain and on the aspirant path.

Things continuing happening and going with the flow, free in the stream.